American Horror Story: Cult - Election Night

I apparently don't have trypophobia, because these ads didn't freak me out.  I actually thought they were pretty cool.  We're back with a new season of AHS, and I'm going to recap it this time around, which means spoilers abound!

Probably worth noting going into this recap that I'm a major liberal/feminist/snowflake and I voted Hillary, so while holes don't scare me, Trump does.  And I sure did cry on election night.

On AHS, we see two different people reacting to the election.  Ally (Sarah Paulson) fears for her and her partner Ivy's (Allison Pill) rights. Kai (Evan Peters) celebrates, and paints himself in cheese puffs, doing a Trump impression.  He taunts Winter (Billie Lourd), who is mourning the win and its possible effect on her reproductive rights.  Turns out that they are sister and brother, and they have a strange pact that involves pinky promises...or something.

Elsewhere, a sexy couple is getting it on in a serene field.  The woman feels they're being watched, and the man jokes that it is Twisty the Clown.  Turns out that wasn't such a funny joke to make after all.  Instead of stupidly staying and mourning her now-dead boytoy, she breaks out in a decent sprint for being in a bra and miniskirt, but runs herself right into Twisty's bus.  Sooo, has Twisty returned?  No, it is just the plot of a comic that Ally and Ivy's son, Oz (Cooper Dodsen) is reading in bed.  Finding the comic sends Ally, who has coulrophobia, into a panic.  She revisits her psychologist, Dr. Rudy Vincent (Cheyenne Jackson), concerned that her fears are taking over her life again, as more begin to surface, included trypophobia.

Kai makes a presentation to his community, proposing that people be allowed to live in fear in order to flesh out the strong amongst them.  In response, Councilmen Chang (Tim Kang) has perhaps the best line of the episode:  "I'm glad that you 4chan guys feel empowered to join the rest of us in civil society now that Papa Bear Trump is telling you it's okay."

Ally spirals downward further when she has an episode at a grocery store where she feels clowns are terrorizing her.  Running away causes her to crash her car.  Ivy is concerned about the effect of Ally's mental state on their marriage, child, and business.  While they argue outside their restaurant, Kai throws a drink on them.  In need of a new nanny for Oz, they hire Winter, unaware of any connection to Kai.

Kai antagonizes a group of Mexican men into beating him.  Right from the jump, Winter is an extremely inappropriate nanny.  She asks invasive questions about his moms and shows him pictures of dead bodies, and compares it to getting vaccinations. During a romantic evening tasting at their restaurant, Ally freaks out again about holes and clowns.  At home, on a break from murder videos, Oz sees several clowns exit an ice cream truck.

According to Oz, he and Winter saw the Changs (the next door neighbors) murdered by a group of clowns, the same ones that Ally claims to have seen in the grocery store.  Winter says they didn't go outside until the police showed up.  Ally wakes in the night to a noise, and sees a clown in bed next to her!

American Horror Story: Coven - Burn, Witch, Burn!

Back to the 1800s and Delphine is having a Halloween party.  She's seemingly doing one of those things where you touch spaghetti and they say its brains.  But it's actually really the eyeballs and intestines of the slaves!  Delphine's daughters plot to kill her.  As revenge, she locks her daughters in the attic with the slaves.

Back to present day and the zombie invasion.  Also, Cordelia with the acid in her face!  In the hospital, we find out they "couldn't save her eyesight." Marie is levitating, and the cutie from next door thinks that the zombies are a Halloween prank.  Nan saves the man candy and they barricade themselves into a car, while the girls inside seek out higher ground.  In the hospital, Fiona goes looking for meds.  Now wasted, she goes wandering around the hospital until she finds some poor girl with a dead baby.  She makes the woman hold and talk to her baby, and does a spell to make the baby live again.

Zoe distracts the zombies with some pans, and runs and hides.  Delphine goes to get ice for Queenie and runs into her zombie daughter.  She begs for forgiveness, but the zombie is not having that.  Queenie sends Spaulding to check on Delphine, but the zombies are already inside.  Queenie tries to use her voodoo powers on the undead, without much success, but a fire poker wielded by Delphine does the trick.

Meanwhile, outside, Zoe comes to the rescue with a chainsaw, looking very Ash from Evil Dead.  She says a phrase, and somehow undoes Marie's spell.  Cordelia's husband arrives at the hospital, and he and Fiona have it out.  Cordelia opens her now-sightless eyes and sees when her husband was banging that maid from the first season.

Fiona returns to the house and they burn Delphine's daughters.  Fiona is very happy with how Zoe performed, and do we think she's the next Supreme?!  The council is back, and they're probably none too happy to see the burning bodies in the yard.  The council demands that Fiona abdicate as Supreme, and the council will rule the coven until the new Supreme shows herself.

Fiona reveals that Myrtle has been involved in all of this, and that she was the one who threw the acid in Cordelia's face.  The council votes that she be burned at the stake.  She claims that she will go proudly.  Fiona is thrilled, of course.  Before she burns, Myrtle states that everyone is just pawns in Fiona's game and they won't know it until it is too late.

So it turns out that Queenie used her voodoo to make Myrtle have the acid burns on her hand.  Fiona hints that Queenie could be the next Supreme, even though we know that is not true.  Misty goes to the scene of Myrtle's death and caresses her head.  Random ending!  Until next week.

You don't mess with the Supreme

American Horror Story Coven: Fearful Pranks Ensue

New Orleans 1961: some white dudes are chasing a black kid down the street.  In the beauty shop, a woman worries about her son's first day at the integrated school.  Fast forward a few minutes, and the boy has been hung from a tree, and Marie Leveau looks on.  Later, Marie does a spell involving snakes, while a group of men brag about hanging the black teenager.  The spell forces a bunch of people to rise from the grave and attack the men.

Creepy dolls abound in the butler's room.  He looks like the guy with the weird hand from Scary Movie.  He wraps up Madison's body as Fiona sits by and smokes.  A loud crash makes her take off looking for Cordelia, but instead finds Queenie, attacked by the minotaur.  Cordelia and Fiona manage to pull together and save her, and decide that they will solve everything internally from here on out.  Delphine is feeling guilty, since Queenie saved her from the minotaur.

Marie is working hard at the hair salon, when her husband's head gets delivered to her.  Poor Kyle is repeatedly knocking his head on the bathtub and bleeding everywhere.  Seems he came back slow and stupid instead of evil.  Zoe feels guilty that they brought him back to life, and leans towards feeding him rat poison.

Fiona is excited about Halloween, but Delphine is not.  Fiona takes off in a witch costume, while Marie runs around frantically getting ready to avenge her husband's death.  She calls a decades-old truce with the other witches OVAH.  Poor Cordelia, her husband is cheating on her with some redhead, who appears to be the maid from the first season of AHS.  Delphine rushes to thank Queenie for saving her life as soon as she regains consciousness.  Nan announces the arrival of some visitors, which turns out to be the council on witchcraft.

Plot twist!  Turns out Nan summoned the council when she stopped hearing Madison's thoughts, therefore becoming concerned that she was dead.  The council quizzes everyone on Madison's powers and behaviors.  Cordelia's husband continues to romance his red-headed friend, who thinks they are exclusive.  Oooops, and then he just shoots her right in the head.

Fiona is bored with the council's grilling, especially as they recall that two witches have disappeared right after seeing Fiona for the last time.  Looks like she killed the last Supreme that she took over for, and then killed Madison, who she thought would succeed her. Also, we find out how Spaulding lost his tongue, after a fellow witch enchanted a spell where he couldn't speak a lie, in hopes to out Fiona.  Of course, he can't speak any truths without a tongue!

As their last witness, the council calls Spaulding to write the name of the witch who mutilated him.    We flashback to the night he cut out his own tongue, after professing his love to Fiona.  We also find out that Madison was not meant to be the next Supreme, since they need to be in perfect health, and Madison had a heart murmur.

Marie is doing her raising-the-dead spell, and corpses are starting to creep up from the ground.  Nan sets up a memorial for Madison.  Spaulding plays with his creepy dolls, also dressing up as one.  He has Madison dressed up and posed, drinking tea.  Cordelia and Fiona are out boozing.  Cordelia goes to the ladies' room to puke and rally, and gets acid thrown in her face!  The cutie pie from next door brings over cookies for Nan, while Delphine's dead family shows up at the front door.  Zombies straggle all throughout the neighborhood!  It's a Walking Dead/AHS mashup!!

American Horror Story: Coven - The Replacements

Have I mentioned yet that these AHS recaps are freakin' exhausting?  Talk about working my brain.  Writing these is like taking a calculus class.  Love the show but damn it's complicated.

Fiona wakes up in the middle of the night, and daydreams back to an earlier time.  At one time, Fiona was young and beautiful and was taking over for the previous Supreme. Apparently what it takes to be a Supreme is to have several powers at once.  Also there's a random pussy-whipped butler who can't talk.  Sure that will come into play later.

Fiona is at bar, but thinking about dancing.  It seems the "dance" is attracting young men, which fades as she gets older.  Zoe goes to visit another witch (Mare Winningham!) who is smoking pot, and doing a lot of talking.  Queenie, Madison and Nan watch the sexy shirtless boys moving in next door.  Delphine sobs over the black president.  Nan talks about how she "gets it all the time." Love it.

Delphine is a racist to Queenie and Fiona makes her Queenie's direct slave.  LOVE IT.  Misty snuggles with Kyle and listens to Fleetwood Mac.  Zoe tries to make him fall back in love with her but Misty is jealous.  I just feel terrible for Misty because she is very lonely.  Nan rolls up on the cute boy's house with a cake, and Madison arrives in a club dress.  The  mother of the house kicks them both out.

Cordelia is back at the gyno, with a problem--she can't have a baby. Fiona is at the plastic surgeon, where they are refusing her any more work.  Zoe carries Kyle back to his mom's house (Mare Winningham!!), where she is both excited and scared to see him.

The mother from the next door visits Fiona to complain about the girls. Fiona pretty much chuckles about it.  Madison just wants to fuck poor innocent Catholic boy Luke.  Alicia (Winningham) visits her son in bed.  She's worried about his shower time, which looked sexy to me.  But apparently she realizes he looks different from before.  WHY?!  OMG BECAUSE SHE'S HAVING SEX WITH HER SON.

Cordelia rolls up on the Ninth Ward looking for Marie for her fertility issues.  Love the use of the phrase "baby gravy." There's this whole process, and also you get to bathe in goat's blood.  It's $50K but Marie turns her down because of Fiona's antics.  Nan gets into Zoe's head and knows about her Kyle crush.

Alicia calls Zoe to come retrieve Kyle.  Fiona lunches with Madison.  Fiona admits she was a terrible mother, much like Madison's.  Madison wants to be taught to be like Fiona.  Fiona seems to worry that she will be the next Supreme.   Delphine is Queenie's slave and it's hilarious.  But now the minatour is breaking in.

Queenie lets Delphine hide from the minotaur but then goes outside to bang him.  Alicia continues to flip out about her son's anatomy, you know, since she bangs him.  No worries because he beats her up.  Madison looks gorg at a dive bar with Fiona.  Fiona pictures herself as Madison since that's how she looked when she was younger.  Fiona pours out a drink!!

Fiona informs Madison thats she's the next Supreme since Fiona is dying from cancer.  She begs Madison to kill her,  but slits Madison's throat instead!!  The weird butler is there to help,  and to "bury her deep."

"This Coven doesn't need a new Supreme.  It needs a new rug."

FIONA FOREVAHHH!!  Until next week!

American Horror Story Coven - Episode 2 - "Boy Parts"

I'll tell you, American Horror Story recaps are freakin' exhausting!  So much going on!  We start with a couple of good ol' boys hunting for some gator in the swamps.  Misty (Lily Rabe) is hanging back out at the site where they have all their gators hanging up.  No we know that she is a necromancer, so she can make the gators come back to life and kill the poor rednecks.  Also, Stevie Nicks plays in the background! (and not that horrible Landslide song either)

Madison is being a bitch as usual, as Zoe mourns her lost boy toy.  Fiona has Delphine (who apparently smells) tied up in her room.  Flashback to Queenie's life in Detroit, where she was the manager of a chicken joint.  A dude gave her a hard time, so she used her voodoo doll powers to stick her hand in hot grease and make his arm burn away.  Also she might be my favorite person on this show.

Two copts come to investigate the bus crash.  Zoe claims responsibility for everything, including the sex death in the hospital.  Fiona uses her witch powers to brainwash the police and send them on their way.  Fiona punishes the girls by flipping them against the wall and bitching them the fuck out.  Madison decides to repay Zoe for killing her rapist by putting together a new sexy boyfriend out of many dismembered parts, with Kyle's face of course.

Cordelia is struggling to get pregnant, and in vitro is the next step.  However, her husband wants her to just use magic to conceive.  Fiona is back chatting with Delphine, who is regaling her with the story about the love potion gone wrong.  We learn the Marie Leaveau was not fucking around.  She killed Delphine's entire family, and then gave her the "gift" of eternal life, which she would spend buried in an unmarked grave.  Until today, of course.

The girls are hard at work with the boy reconstruction, which is eerily reminiscent of a Nip/Tuck episode.  They cast the spell, spilling some blood in the process.  I think this was the "black magic" that Cordelia was worried about earlier.  You know, with the pentagram and all.  They're concerned that the spell didn't work, but of course it did.  But like Pet Semetary, will he come back stupid or evil?

Fiona is getting her hair done in an African salon, which she must be loving.  Marie Leveau makes an appearance of course.  My second fave on the show, Nan, is bothered by Delphine's loud thinking, and unties her.  Of course she thinks Queenie is a slave and clocks her with a candlestick holder.

Fiona and Marie have a chat.  These two are just a battle of sassmasters.  All Fiona wants is whatever Marie's secret is to staying and looking young.  Cordelia decided not to struggle too much with the decision to make her baby with magic and goes through with it with her sexypants husband.   They bang inside a ring of fire and snakes which is pretty cool.

Zoe drags Kyle out of the morgue and poor Frankenstein is having a bit of a tough time.  Zoe's trying to operate a freakin' vehicle and he's trashing all about the car.  Oh, and then Misty joins them in the backseat, no big deal.  They go to Misty's little shack and she rubs Kyle down with alligator poop.  Also, she is strangely obsessed with Stevie Nicks, who is apparently her hero, and a witch.

Back at Marie's house, her husband is still a minotaur!  They've got business to take care of.  Delphine escapes, but only gets back to her own house, which is now a tourist attraction.  She waxes poetic about her dead family.  Fiona doesn't have a whole lot of sympathy, but they walk off into the sunset (aka back to the witch school) together.  Until next week!!

American Horror Story: Coven - Episode 1 - "Bitchcraft"

American Horror Story is back, bitches!  The first scene is set in New Orleans 1934 with a badass looking Kathy Bates painting herself in blood.  NICE.  Also, she has a bunch of slaves tied up in her attic, you know, with eyes ripped out and faces torn off and such.  AHS is going for the jugular right from the start this year.  She pops a severed bulls' head on the subject of her latest rage, creating her own personal minotaur.

Thank goodness Taissa Farmiga's back, this time as Zoe.  The tie-in?  She's actually trying to lose her virginity, just like season 1, but unsuccessfully yet again.  She learns that she is from a long line of witches, and randomly gets shipped off to a witch school in New Orleans.  They lost me for a second there, but that happens on the regular with me and AHS.  

Zoe arrives at the school, which appears empty at first.  However, there are some pranksters, which includes Gabourey Sidoube (aka Precious) as Queenie, Jamie Brewer (aka Adelaide from the first season) as Nan, and Emma Roberts as shunned actress Madison Montgomery.  Sarah Paulson is back as the head of the school, Cordelia Fox.  Lily Rabe returns as Misty Day, a witch who can bring dead things back to life.

Jessica Lange returns, this time as Fiona Goode, who is trying to get some sort of stem cell treatment in order to look and feel younger. The scientist ends up giving into her, but the serum is not working fast enough for her satisfaction, so she does a bunch of coke and acts craaazzzyyyppants.  Oh yeah and also she's a witch who can flip a dude around the room, and also steal his youth.  AWESOME.  What was Jessica Lange doing before she was fucking killing it on this series?

The teenage witches are all fighting, which is especially amusing, as they're using their witch powers to do so.  Cordelia is busy mixing potions while Zoe and Madison are off to a party.  Fiona comes to check up on Cordelia, who is her daughter that she highly disapproves of.  We learn that Fiona is the "Supreme" witch, which is very important.

Evan Peters is back as Kyle Spencer, a loud and douchey frat boy who is throwing the party that Madison and Zoe are attending.  Totally in love with the fact that Kyle and Zoe have sparks between them.  She goes looking for Madison, but it's already a bit late as she's getting gangbanged and is probably drugged.  Kyle freaks out and kicks ass.  Madison uses her witch power to crash the freakin' bus.

All the little witches go on a field trip with Fiona, but he get sidetracked by a tour of Delphine LaLaurie's (Kathy Bates) house of crazy.  Marie Leveau (Angela Bassett) discovers that Delphine mutilated her lover, and gives her poison, disguised as a love potion to keep her husband loyal.  And the house has been haunted ever since!

Oh, so we learn poor Zoe's problem with having sex.  Apparently when she bangs dude, she gives them brain aneurysms and they die!  So she goes to the hospital to visit the dude who raped Madison and rapes him, effectively killing him.

Man, I'm am going to love Jessica Lange SOOOO much this season!

I'm really intrigued by this season so far, but am already worried that they are suffering the same issue of last year, by introducing eleventy-billion characters at once, which are a bit of a struggle to keep track of.  Or maybe they're just a struggle to watch and recap at the same time? ;)  Either way, this season looks like a fun one!  Anyone who is wondering, I preferred Season 1 over Season 2, so I'm definitely wondering where I'll stand on this installment!

American Horror Story Asylum: "Unholy Night"

Somebody shoots Santa out front of a grocery store.  That's unfortunate.  Now some deranged blood-covered Santa is in a little girl's house.  Tying her parents up with Christmas lights.  Shooting them in the head.  You know, regular holiday stuff.

Meanwhile, it's the holidays at Briarcliff.  Mary Eunice is ALL ABOUT IT.  She's chopping hair off left and right to hang on the tree.  Sister Jude tries to come in, but Mary Eunice boots her right out.

We revisit last Christmas, when it seems things went horribly wrong.  Briarcliff is in possession of the Santa murderer, and he gets verryyy antsy around Christmas. He rips a dude's face off. But now, Mary Eunice is happy to to give him a Santa suit to wear.  I mean, what's Christmas without a little murder?

Dr. Arden brings Mary Eunice a present.  A pair of earrings that a woman swallowed and shit out over and over at Auschwitz.  Instead of disgusted, she is delighted.  That upsets Dr. Arden.  Lana is puking her guts out.  Sister Jude is begging to be let back into Briarcliff, when Dr. Arden comes to pay her a visit.  He begs her to help with Mary Eunice.

Kit dreams of his wife and Grace.  Lana asks him a billion questions when he awakens.  Sister Jude and Dr. Arden are working together against Mary Eunice.  Meanwhile, Monsignor is practically drooling over her.  Creepy Santa is out in full force, and Mary Eunice is more than happy to accompany him.

Santa attacks Sister Jude while Dr. Thredson guns it out for Lana.  Luckily Kit's still rattling around the asylum.  Luckily for all of us, Sister Jude gets the better of the Santa!  Until next week, crazypants!

American Horror Story Asylum: "Dark Cousin"

There's lots more nuns here we've never seen before.  They go to check on Grace and she's bleeding profusely from the vajay.  A dark angel who looks like Mrs. Grubman from Nip/Tuck comes to take her away but these two ditzes manage to revive her.  (Wait, it's not Mrs. Grubman, but the older maid from the first season!  People keep popping up in this nonsense)

"I hope this clarifies the chain of command, Arthur."  I absolutely freakin' love Mary Eunice.  Now there's a black man, Miles, we've never seen before who wants to chop his arm off.  And there's something written on the wall that only Sister Eunice understands.  The black angel visits Miles. 

Dr. Thredson is raping Lana, which is sad, and she's putting up no fight.  However, it seems like she's just saving up her energy for when she pops the shit out him later!  Thredson has already tired of her and decides she must die.  Lana is having absolutely none of that.  But she escapes only to jump in a car with another weirdo!  This chick has the worst luck.  And now she's back at Briarcliff!!  BUMMER.

Sister Jude relives a time when she was a singer and a drunk.  She got kicked out of her band, and reminded of the little girl she hit.  The Devil/Mary Eunice calls Sister Jude to make her feel sufficiently awful.  She goes to a diner and dreams of cutting her wrists but does not do so.  She goes to visit the family of the little girl she thought she'd killed.  But surprise!  She's ALIVE.  With a little baby of her own.

Kit escapes and runs to save Grace.  But in the meantime, one of those creatures escapes and attacks everyone.  As Grace tries to protect Kit, a security guard shoots her, and she takes off with the black angel.  Until next week!

American Horror Story Asylum: "The Origins of Monstrosity"

We're back to present day and everyone's all strung up at the abandoned mental hospital.  Oooops.  Back to Briarcliff, and we have a creepy child.  YES.  Back in the basement with Dr. Thredson and Lana.  He is deliciously psychotic.  He's getting naked with cadavers now?!  This show has no limits. 

Thredson explains his past "work." Lana is understandably terrified, especially because he wants her to be his mom.  The little psycho girl, Jenny, gets left in the asylum by her exhausted mother.  Sister Jude wants nothing to do with that shit, and calls in Mary Eunice.  I almost forgot about Shelly!!  She is in some hospital somewhere, suffering, while the Monsignor shows up.  Like he can help.  He remembers his first meeting with Dr. Arden, and him mentioning "experiments."  Obviously this relates directly to Shelly's horrible condition.

Mary Eunice is stripping her clothes off so some dude can watch and play with himself.  Classy.  Dr. Arden shows Monsignor more "patients."  When he threatens to expose, Arden threatens right back.  Apparently Monsignor has something to hide.

Mary Eunice and Jenny commiserate.  She loves having a little friend.  The Monsignor, apparently responding to Arden's threat, fires Sister Jude.  Kit calls Dr. Thredson as Lana tries to file away at her chains.  I might stick around for the Croque Monsiuer.

Yippppeeee!!  Mary Eunice is wearing the red lingerie and singing "You Don't Own Me."  I'm obsessed.  Sister Jude is back to drinking, and she's doing it with Dr. Arden.  Oh, the Nazi hunter is still on his case, and all he needs is a fingerprint to lock it up.   But wait, Mary Eunice has other plans.   She's going to off the Nazi hunter and continue to be BFF with Arden.

The little girl kills her entire family when she returns home.  No big deal.  Bloody Face/Thredson doesn't think Lana is his mom anymore and she's gotta go.  She tries to play Mommy a la Mrs. Voorhees.  He attempts to breastfeed.  Once again, NO RULES ON THIS SHOW.

Back in present day and everyone's slashed up at the asylum.  Bloody Face took the girl though.  The cops seem to think they have a handle on it, but I'm highly doubting that.  Abrupt ending, and we're onto next week.  I was starting to think this show was losing it's momentum a bit, but I did like this ep.  Looking forward to the next one!

American Horror Story Asylum: Episode 4

I keep seeing things creeping up on twitter and the web about AHS jumping the shark.  I really don't want this season to fail, but I am really having a hard time loving it as much as last season.  One of the things that's really bothering me is that there are SO many freakin' characters, and I feel like we barely get to see them develop before they bring in another character.  I'm just having a hard time connecting with anyone, or really feeling anything for them.  I really can barely keep track of their names at this moment.

A new patient arrives (shocker).  This one is claiming to be none other than Anne Frank.  And hey, she recognizes Dr. Arden!  Because he was a Nazi at Auschwitz when she was there.  Sister Jude argues that Anne Frank was never at Auschwitz, and died in the attic.  "Anne" is all, bitch please.  I know where I was at.  Sister Jude decides to take this opportunity to try and get Dr. Arden out of her life.  But of course everyone already knows she hates him, so it only makes sense that she would spin a tale of him being a Nazi war criminal.

Meanwhile, Kit and Grace are getting hot and heavy.  She tells him her story.  Which is completely untrue.  She actually murdered her family with an axe.  Oooops.  They bang in the bakery, but are subsequently caught.  Those two have a hard time staying out of trouble.

Dr. Thredson has decided that he is going to get Lana out of the hospital, as he believes she is not crazy.  A bizarre therapy session takes place.  The doctor shows her images of women while feeding her this medication to make her throw up.  Aversion therapy apparently.  Then he brings in a dude and tries to make her happy by touching him.  She barfs instead.  He decides maybe aversion therapy isn't right for her, and he hooks her up with a sexy pic of her ladyfriend.

Dr. Arden and the Monsignor are apparently working together.  Ooops.  So much for Sister Jude's sexy thoughts about dear Timothy.  The police suspect Dr. Arden in the attack on the prostitute.  They also find Nazi memorabilia in his house.  Double oooops.  "Anne" swipes a gun and attacks Dr. Arden.  She demands he open a locked door.  Ahhhh!  It's Shelley and she looks SCARY.  She's no longer the hottest piece at the asylum.  Sad.

We got no check in on Maroon 5 and his weird wife this week, but I'm thinking they're probably dead.  Also, nothing too new on Sister Mary Eunice, except she chooses a large riding crop for the beating of Grace and Kit.  Because no one should be allowed to make "murder-babies."  Not even in the asylum.  Until next week!

American Horror Story Asylum - Episode 3

Back to the present day asylum, where Bloody Face is attacking.  Looks like it's just a couple douches fucking around.  Or actually killing people.  But it "went too far" so maybe it wasn't intentional?  I'm confused.

And now back to the real asylum, where things are a little clearer for me.  Sister Mary Eunice is possessed and it turns her into a gloriously snarky bitch.  A newspaper lands on Sister Jude's desk with the headline about the little girl she killed.  Ooopsie, who put that there?  She remains incredibly suspicious of Dr. Thredson.  Meanwhile, there's a big storm coming.  Sister Jude arranges for everyone to watch The Sign of the Cross when the storm is at it's worst.

Dr. Arden finds a weird, spider like contraption was residing in Kit's neck.  Mary Eunice has developed a taste for stabbing people with scissors.  No worries though, because she can feed the dead bodies to the creatures outside.  Since being possessed by the devil, Mary Eunice has also had a slight increase in libido.  Unfortunately Dr. Arden doesn't like dirty talkers.  Dr. Thredson agrees to do Lana a favor, as he is more than happy to betray Sister Jude.

Sister Jude, meanwhile, is being tortured by her past.  Dr. Arden suggests she's "coming apart at the seams," and he seems to be right.  Ooopss, someone shouldn't have left that wine in reach of Sister Jude.  She snarfed the whole thing.  She introduces the movie night totally hammered.  She almost carries it off, but then starts randomly blabbering.  Dr. Arden says "whore" a lot, and also paints Virgin Mary statues with lipstick.

Kit, Grace, Lana, and Shelley stage their escape under cover of the storm.  Sister Jude stumbles around looking for a missing inmate, but she's probably already forgotten who she was looking for.  Shelley misses the escape and gets grabbed up by Dr. Arden.  Ahhhh, the creatures!!  They look like zombies.  Dr. Arden has Shelley in his lab, and he explains that her "wings needed to be clipped."  In Dr. Arden-speak, that means double leg amputation!! 

American Horror Story Asylum - Episode 2

**This is a recap!  Spoilers ahead!**

It's been a tough week at my day job and Scream Queen needs some American Horror Story.  I still don't love this villain, Bloody Face, but I'm trying to roll with it.  He takes out Adam Levine, but I still don't think that's the last we're going to see of Mr. Maroon Five.  Sister Jude seems to use God when she feels like it.  She decides that God would be fine with electroshock therapy and sends Lana for a little treatment. 

Meanwhile, Dr. Thredson interviews Kit, and diagnoses him with "acute clinical insanity." Mary Eunice continues to feed the creatures out back, and the doctor gives her a candy apple in return.  Dr. Thredson is upset about the conditions at the hospital, and Sister Jude has the best response ever: "It's a madhouse, doctor.  What did you expect?"

A mother and father bring their son in, who has started speaking strange languages and ripped apart their cow and ate the heart.  You know, normal teenage behavior.  Dr. Thredson wants a closer look.  I've seen enough movies to diagnose it as a demon possession.  Shelley is just such a wild and entertaining character.  She's my favorite, along with Grace, the one that looks like Christina Ricci.  There are a lot of people being introduced on this show in only two episodes and I'm getting a little overwhelmed.   IMDB has been my friend. 

The exorcism begins.  Sister Jude gets booted out, and she is none too happy.  "It's no place for a woman," says the priest.  I'm thinking she's the wrong gal to say that to.  Dr. Arden, shortly after calling Shelley a whore, calls a hooker over to his house.  Just to eat food and drink wine though.  No big deal. 

Sister Jude is finally invited to join the exorcism, but she just gets locked in the room with the possessed kid, who reveals her worst secrets.  Not only did she used to be a sauced-up turboslut, but she also killed a little girl when she was driving drunk.  Guess she's not as holier-than-thou as she seems to act. 

The demon knocks the power out, and Lana stages her escape with Grace.  But she ruins it for herself when she decides to blow up Kit's spot.  WTF.  Dr. Arden definitely has a weird fetish about tying women up...also may be a murderer.  Bonus: refers to vagina as a "mossy bank."  Awesome.  Additionally, strong possibility that Mary Eunice is now possessed by the devil.  

Lana gets "rewarded" for being a tattletale by watching Grace and Kit get caned.  Oh well, maybe just Kit.  He seems to be suspiciously eyeing a glass on the desk next to him.  Next week -- lots of screaming, Mary Eunice looks crazypants, and maybe we get to see the creatures!

American Horror Story Season 1 FINALE

It's nine months earlier and Ben has found the murder house online.  He insists that they go look at it, ignoring the fact that Vivien doesn't really seem to want to put too much effort into the relationship.  Now it's current day, and post-messy birth, Ben goes searching the house for a now-missing Vivien.

Constance is watching over the new baby, and is quite reluctant to let him go back to the other house.  Ben, apparently really behind everyone else, finally realizes that Tate is Constance's son.  Moira is being more of a vindictive bitch than ever, and even claims to "not take orders from ghosts" when Vivien asks for tea.  LoL.  Vivien's sister is coming to pick up the little munchkin, while Ben plots to kill himself.  Vivien encourages him to take the baby and run, but we all know that no one's going to let him leave the house.  Well, at least alive.

The Ramos family is now viewing the house with that ridiculous realtor.  Their kid apparently thinks it's fine to skateboard around a house and it's clear that won't end well.  So, the Ramoses are moving in and Violet's hitting on their cutesy son, Gabe.  Tate is obviously furious.  The Ramos parents are planning on getting pregnant again, but the Harmons are intending to cockblock.

Tate watches Gabe sleep, and calls him out about his encounter with Violet.  History repeats itself as the Rubberman attacks Stacy and Miguel holds his hands over the kitchen burners.  Moira is back to her slutty maid routine, and Tate is out for blood.  So is Ben the Rubberman?  Too much happening.  They encourage the Ramoses to run.  Good plan.

Bye, bye Ramoses.  The ghosts have pretty much solved nothing, since it's obvious that another unsuspecting family will move in.  Ben and Tate have a confrontation, where Ben diagnoses Tate as a raging psychopath.  Tate cries as usual.  Ben applauds his crocodile tears, deeming him incapable of remorse.  Tate admits to his prior transgressions, of which there are many.

Nora has assumed possession of the formerly stillborn baby.  She's not proud of how her acquisition has turned out, as all the kid does is scream.  Is this Tate's kid?  Or Ben's?  I'm confused.  Nora thinks that Vivien is the nanny.  Ha.  Moira thinks she would have been a good mother if she "wasn't such a tramp."  It's Christmas at Murder House, right in time for the airing date!

Everyone is the happy family, while Hayden and Tate lurk in the shadows.  Three years later, Constance prances into the hair salon, telling tales of of her adopted son.  Oh okay, so Tate's son (Michael) is living with Constance, and Ben's (stillborn) son is living with the Harmons.   Constance waxes poetic about what a wonderful person she is.  Apparently her whole life has been a preparation to raise this devil child, who she believes to be "destined for greatness."  Doubtful.  Her hairstylist is as bored as me with her stupid speech. 

OMFG the last three minutes of this episode was SO AWESOME.  Like Gage Creed-style badass.  The creepy smile in the rocking chair.  Him waving the little bloody hand?!?!  Can't wait for next season!  Bring it on, American Horror Story!!

American Horror Story Season 1 Episode 11

It's 1984 and Tate is just a little dude.  He's already meeting some ghosts in the house, including mutant child Thaddeus.  In current day, he must tell Nora that he can't just give her Vivien's baby.  Nora thinks otherwise.

Ben wants Violet to see her mom.  Little does he know that she can't leave the house.  The gays are decorating the nursery with potato stencils.  Remember those?  LoL.  Constance calls their relationship an "abomination."  Chad says "so is that hairdo."  Mwahahaha.  Also, I want to start calling Tate Norman Bates Jr.  Anyway, they plan on stealing Vivien's babies and smothering them when they're at super-cute stage so they stay that way forever.  Totally healthy way of thinking.

One of Vivien's twins (I'm guessing Tate's baby) is pretty much absorbing the other one The Dark Half-style.  Still, she's getting on a plane to Florida.  Violet converses with the CraigsList psychic, who waxes poetic about Roanoke and such.  Yawn.  However, they learn a way to possibly banish some of the spirits of the house.  Hint, hint: not so successful. 

Meanwhile, Vivien is screaming bloody murder and going into labor.  She fuzzily remembers having Violet.  Dr. Montgomery assists with the birth. Constance is way overconcerned with her devil grandchild.  Ben and Vivien seem to be making some sort of reconnection.  I'm hoping the baby looks like Sloth.  Constance and Moira admire the baby, while Hayden enters with a "hey, bitches."  She's my new favorite person on this show.  As you remember, she wants the baby as well.  Maybe each person in the house can take a limb. 

The result of Tate's devil spawn doesn't bode so well for Vivien.  Which side will she choose?  Violet's or Ben's?  Violet confronts Tate about both his death and his intentions.  Oh, and also the mass school murder.  He cries again, which I'm starting to believe is all a farce.  I absolute love Violet's new badass attitude towards everyone, especially Tate.  He's getting more emo by the second, and I'd tell him to go away too.  Vivien arrives looking fresh as a daisy and as foxy as she looked on the first ep of this show! 

This ep was a little more whiny and emo than I would have hope for.  What's in store for next week?  The season finale!  Every wants that baby and they'll fight to the....death? for it.  I'm not sure what they can do to each other but someone's getting that devil spawn.  I'll be sad to see this season end!

American Horror Story Season 1 Episode 10

We're back in 1994.  Constance is with the guy next door whose family killed themselves, who we now know as Larry. They're trying to have an enjoyable meal but Tate cannot STFU as usual.  Now previously, we thought that Larry was all burned because he was trying to rescue his family, but as with many things in this show, that is not what it seems.
 
Vivien is still locked up when Ben shows up to tell her that the babies have different daddies.  He says he believes her about the rape, but to be honest, he does not sound that convincing.  The cops show up at Constance's house and show her death pictures of Travis. Oh, poor stupid Travis.  Meanwhile, the truant officer shows up at the Harmons, and Ben is forced to confront Violet about the fact that she's missed over 3 consecutive weeks of school.  She seems pretty apathetic, but forces some crocodile tears.

Constance shows up at Larry's house, assuming he was Travis's murderer.  Larry is quick to tattle on the house-dwellers as the killers.  Constance is incredibly hilarious and ridiculously racist in this episode.  The Harmon's house is infested with bugs, and Constance gets dragged into the police station.  They grill her on all the deaths of her previous children, her husband, and of course, Moira. 

In the Murder House, a super-dorky exterminator tries to enter the basement.  We all know this is a problem. It ends predictably.  Ben investigates boarding school for Violet.  At the same time, a whole little society is existing in the basement.  Did we know that Larry's wife and kids were down there?  Sweet special effects on the burning people, yo. 

Ben runs into the Rubber Man and there's a decent fight, which is won by chloroform.  But before he passes out, Tate reveals his second personality.  Tate convinces Violet to do some sort of Romeo and Juliet thing so they can be together forever.  Violet, with better sense than I thought she had, tries to escape the house.  But we go into some Nightmare on Elm Street 4 shit where she keeps trying to leave the house, but ends up back in it. 

HOLY CRAP HARMON FAMILY REVEAL!!!!!!  I was not expecting this for one moment!  The Sixth Sense-style, someone is a ghost that didn't realize they were!!  Larry, probably hoping to somehow impress Constance, admits to Travis's murder and is off to prison.  He wants one last thing from Constance, but will she give it?

Next week?  Everybody wants those twins, and Vivien's going into labor!  Better get her inside the Murder House!!

American Horror Story Season 1 Episode 9

*fans self*  Even more banging in this episode than we're used to from AHS.  Ryan Murphy is going alllll kinds of Christian Troy on this shit.  Vivien is in the looney bin, and Hayden is angry.  Oh so angry.  All the ghosts she keeps sleeping with are not making her feel any better.

Back to 1947.  A neighborhood doctor, David Curan, is now living in the house.  He services local patients.  Services as in bowm chicka bowm bowm.  Elizabeth Short (Mena Suvari) arrives, looking to get her teeth fixed so that she can be a big star.  She has no money, but can provide other forms of payment.  He knocks her out with the gas and rapes her.  But ooooopppss!!  She doesn't wake up.  He's worried about what to do with the body, but Dr. Montgomery is more than happy to take care of it.  He acts like he's going to bring her back to life, but instead hacks her all up and dumps her on the lawn.  She is, supposedly, the Black Dahlia.
 
Back to present day, and Ben gets a call from the hospital.  Vivien is not well enough to handle the news that her twins have two different fathers.  Seems highly improbable, but so does much of this series.  Ben is getting seduced by the women of this house from all angles, and he is trying to stay faithful to his wife.  Are men this weak?  Seriously?  But when he finds out about these different fathers and such, he takes off for the hospital to confront a pretty comatose Vivien.  He accuses her of being a hypocrite, cheating on him herself, all while playing the martyr.  He thinks the father is that security guy, but apparently he shoots blanks, so even if he did sleep with Vivien (I thought no) he would not be the father.

Enter Travis, Constance's boytoy.  Did you guys forget all about him?  Me too.  That Constance is quite the firecracker, but I am confused why so many men love her.  She's drunk and boots him out to go walk the dog and get cigs.  On the way to the store, he runs in Horny Hayden.  They bang, which is no surprise at this point.  Hayden's sister and a detective show up at the Murder House, looking for the supposedly missing Hayden.  She appears, looking fresh as a daisy, declaring that she is now living with Ben.  Case closed.

Hayden nabs Travis for a booty call, and finally indulges her insatiable need to kill someone actually living.  Charles Montgomery "takes care" of the body, with Larry dumping it outside a random basketball court.   Meanwhile, Constance realizes that Tate has impregnated Vivien, and Mommy Dearest is pissed.  She makes Tate cry, which is not too hard to do.

Finally, Constance speaks to her reality-wannabe psychic about what would happen if someone was impregnated by a ghost.  Apparently it will usher in the End of Days, Satan's spawn, etc. etc.  Ooooppss!  Guess Tate should've kept it in his pants.  Can you believe we're approaching Episode 10?  Can't wait!

American Horror Story Season 1 Episode 8

The identity of the Rubberman will be revealed this week!  Wooohooo.  In a flashback, we're reminded of that time Vivien banged the Rubber Man, thinking it was her husband.  Seriously, do you not know what your husband's eyes look like?  Come on.  Of course now we know that coupling resulted in the demon seed she currently carries in her womb.  Holy crap, the Rubber Man is Tate!!!  I thought he couldn't get it up with Violet though.  But apparently he can impregnate Vivien?!?!  Can't wait to see how this goes.

We're back to the gay couple.  After finding out that Patrick is frequenting S&M message boards, Chad buys the rubber suit to try to entice him sexually.  He is rejected, and devastated to learn that Patrick is aware they are hemorrhaging money on a house that he has grown to hate.

Hayden is consoling Nora, making her feel better by saying that they could steal Vivien's twins after they are born, and split them so they each get one.  That's fair.  It appears that Hayden plans on making Vivien crazy enough to be sent to a mental institution.  Seems she's pretty close anyway.

Moira is on Vivien's side and encourages her to get out of the house.  She attempts to take Violet and leave, but to no avail.   They run into the home invaders and rush back inside.  Apparently Tate was lying about his penis abilities that night at the beach, because he and Violet bang.  It's her first time, but she claims it didn't hurt.  Maybe he has a small one.  Vivien and Ben scream a lot at each other.  She's becoming sort of unlikeable.  I'm just having a hard time feeling for her situation.

Hayden has become a super-whore after death.  She's banging ghosts left and right.  She even tries to seduce Tate.  LoL.  Marcy the real estate agent is certifiable.  Vivien is seriously losing her shit, and Ben stops ignoring it.  When she tries to shoot him, he brings in the men in the white coats, and Vivien is off to the mental ward!

Next week?  Constance confronts Tate, there's lots more banging, and too much talk about the Pope!  Looking forward to it.

American Horror Story Season 1 Episode 7

Well, well, things are certainly starting to come together on American Horror Story.  Vivien is worried about her baby....oooopppsss I mean babies!  She's having twins!  Violet is all emo and dreary and cutting herself since she learned that Tate is a ghost.  She's apparently taking it in stride though that he's a mass murderer, and continues to hang out with him.

Meanwhile, Larry (aka Krueger Jr.) is skulking around more than usual.  Why?  Oh, because he's in love with Constance.  He was leaving his wife for her when the whole unfortunate fire thing happened.  Now he's trying to buy the house with non-existent money, so that they can live happily ever after.  Constance is having none of it though.  Why would she live with this psycho when she's banging a young hottie?  Larry is notably disappointed.

Meanwhile, they have someone who is actually interested in buying the house.  He is a cocky Armenian land developer who will knock down the house and put up apartments.  However, to get Moira to give him a quick BJ, he lies and says he'll build her a heated swimming pool.  She's kind of a moron.  I still find it hilarious that all these guys are lusting over an old lady with a weird eye. 

Vivien, however, is completely obsessed with the health of her babies, and completely uninterested in her other child, Violet.  She pretty much ignores her and turns on some sex music and gets busy with her vibrator.  She tries to picture the sexy security guy, but her fantasy keeps getting interrupted by visions of her husband and the Rubberman.  Not a successful alone sexytime for her.  Oh well.

We also learn about another resident of the house, a deformed Sloth-like being living in the attic.  Apparently he's Constance's son?  My husband thinks he's the grown version of the dismembered baby that the original owners put back together, but I don't think so.  Hope I'm not proven wrong later in the season because it seems like anything can happen on this show.  Tate informs Violet that she can get rid of the ghosts by simply telling them to go away.  It's that easy? 

Constance and Moira band together to put the kibosh on the land development.  Moira uses her special skills to lure the poor guy down to the basements and whooopppss...no more condos.  Vivien's going to be awfully disappointed since she's telling everyone who will listen that the house is all but sold.  Looks like they're not going to be packing their bags anytime soon!

Previews for next week look goooooood!  Tate and Violet are naked, but didn't we find out at the beach that ghosts can't get it up?  Hayden is back, Vivien is mentally unstable, and the identity of the Rubberman is revealed!  Yipee!

American Horror Story Season 1: Episode 6

In case we weren't sure that AHS is addressing every horrific thing EVER, now we're on a Columbine flashback.  Shit is getting realllll up in here and Tate is the killer.  I mean, were we really doubting that?  Homeboy's got issues.  By the almighty power of Google, Violet realizes the same.

Violet visits Constance and a random psychic, who explains that Tate is in a sort of limbo.  He believes he's still alive, which is actually not the truth.  Violet is reminded of a previous time with a dying person (Grandma, perhaps?) who claims to "not understand her."  We're led to believe Violet has a connection to the paranormal.   Uh, duh?

Meanwhile, Vivien caresses a belly that is far too large for how long she's been pregnant.   See a specialist, chica.  Ben is only allowed in the house for appointments, and Violet feels she's possessed by "the darkness."  Ben sees a patient who hallucinates men wearing pig masks.   Okay.  Vivien's getting an amnio and Violet's taking sleeping pills.  This all seems par for the course in this house.  Oh wait, Vivien's eating raw brains!  Even more conceivable with this family!

We get to revisit the ultrasound tech that fainted, and it so turns out that she saw the religious equivalent of the son of 1000 maniacs in Vivien's belly.   Oooopppsss!!  Vivien thinks it's craziness but we all know differently.  Violet and Tate are all lovey-dovey even though everyone knows he's dead!  WTF.  This episode sort of ended randomly, but I'm reviewing this so late that I'm super excited about tomorrow.  Come onnnnn, Rosemary's Baby!

American Horror Story (2011 TV Series) Episode 5

*Spoilers ahead, because there's no way to talk about this bananas show without giving stuff away!*

It's still Halloween in this episode.  So is is safe to assume that pretty much everyone in or around the vicinity of the Harmon house is a ghost?  After failing to get Adelaide back on the lawn before she died for good, Constance has to accept the fact that her daughter is gone.  Apparently feeling bad for not letting her wear makeup on Halloween, she somewhat calmly applies it to her corpse, which seems ineffective.  She also tells Violet what we've all known for a while, that Tate is her son, and is "very sensitive," which may be the understatement of the year.

Back to Violet and Tate, who dominate much of this episode.  After being spooked by Larry screaming through the peephole, Violet narrowly dodges the dude in the S&M suit and heads up to her room, where Tate throws rocks at her window.  He's ready to take her on their date outside of the basement, so that means he's alive, right?  Well, not exactly....I'll explain later. 

Violet and Tate go to the beach, where things get hot and heavy.  Violet's ready to get it in, but wait.  Tate has issues.  He claims from medication.  I'm betting ghosts can't smush!  He waxes all stoner-like about Kurt Cobain and being trapped and I sort of stop listening until a smattering of high school clique members show up on the beach.  We've got jocks, cheerleaders, goths, and nerds, and they've all been shot at close range.  Violet thinks these are costumes, but we know better!  Tate is accused of being a Columbine-wannabe, but he just cries like a little bitch and says he doesn't know these people.  Is there an evil twin running around?  They worry about getting back by midnight, and I wonder if they are vampires.

Back at the Harmon house, Vivien does not seem at all fazed that a hospital tech fainted after peeping her demon baby.  She decides to take a bath and once again tells Ben to move out.  Hayden calls from the grave and flits around the house, filling in everyone on graphic details of her and Ben's sex life.  Truths are revealed, and Ben better get a shovel out (ha!) because he just keeps digging himself deeper and deeper.  Ben is tired of Krueger Jr. hanging around and he takes that shovel and smacks him with it.  I am getting sick of that guy and his freaky eye.  I'm thinking they reused the makeup from Mason Verger on him and it's starting to bug me.

Halloween is ending and as all the characters from this show shuffle back to the Murder House, I remember Adelaide's words from last week's ep, that all the dead can walk free on Halloween.  So that's why everyone was out and about!  Andddd now they have to all go back to haunting the happy Harmon family.  They know these suckers don't have enough money to move out! 

Previews for next week get us in a Rosemary's Baby type mood, and I personally love the fact that they're filling this show with little homages to the horror genre.  I am loving this show, and the characters keep getting better each week!  Yay, AHS!