American Horror Story Asylum: "Unholy Night"

Somebody shoots Santa out front of a grocery store.  That's unfortunate.  Now some deranged blood-covered Santa is in a little girl's house.  Tying her parents up with Christmas lights.  Shooting them in the head.  You know, regular holiday stuff.

Meanwhile, it's the holidays at Briarcliff.  Mary Eunice is ALL ABOUT IT.  She's chopping hair off left and right to hang on the tree.  Sister Jude tries to come in, but Mary Eunice boots her right out.

We revisit last Christmas, when it seems things went horribly wrong.  Briarcliff is in possession of the Santa murderer, and he gets verryyy antsy around Christmas. He rips a dude's face off. But now, Mary Eunice is happy to to give him a Santa suit to wear.  I mean, what's Christmas without a little murder?

Dr. Arden brings Mary Eunice a present.  A pair of earrings that a woman swallowed and shit out over and over at Auschwitz.  Instead of disgusted, she is delighted.  That upsets Dr. Arden.  Lana is puking her guts out.  Sister Jude is begging to be let back into Briarcliff, when Dr. Arden comes to pay her a visit.  He begs her to help with Mary Eunice.

Kit dreams of his wife and Grace.  Lana asks him a billion questions when he awakens.  Sister Jude and Dr. Arden are working together against Mary Eunice.  Meanwhile, Monsignor is practically drooling over her.  Creepy Santa is out in full force, and Mary Eunice is more than happy to accompany him.

Santa attacks Sister Jude while Dr. Thredson guns it out for Lana.  Luckily Kit's still rattling around the asylum.  Luckily for all of us, Sister Jude gets the better of the Santa!  Until next week, crazypants!

American Horror Story Asylum - Episode 3

Back to the present day asylum, where Bloody Face is attacking.  Looks like it's just a couple douches fucking around.  Or actually killing people.  But it "went too far" so maybe it wasn't intentional?  I'm confused.

And now back to the real asylum, where things are a little clearer for me.  Sister Mary Eunice is possessed and it turns her into a gloriously snarky bitch.  A newspaper lands on Sister Jude's desk with the headline about the little girl she killed.  Ooopsie, who put that there?  She remains incredibly suspicious of Dr. Thredson.  Meanwhile, there's a big storm coming.  Sister Jude arranges for everyone to watch The Sign of the Cross when the storm is at it's worst.

Dr. Arden finds a weird, spider like contraption was residing in Kit's neck.  Mary Eunice has developed a taste for stabbing people with scissors.  No worries though, because she can feed the dead bodies to the creatures outside.  Since being possessed by the devil, Mary Eunice has also had a slight increase in libido.  Unfortunately Dr. Arden doesn't like dirty talkers.  Dr. Thredson agrees to do Lana a favor, as he is more than happy to betray Sister Jude.

Sister Jude, meanwhile, is being tortured by her past.  Dr. Arden suggests she's "coming apart at the seams," and he seems to be right.  Ooopss, someone shouldn't have left that wine in reach of Sister Jude.  She snarfed the whole thing.  She introduces the movie night totally hammered.  She almost carries it off, but then starts randomly blabbering.  Dr. Arden says "whore" a lot, and also paints Virgin Mary statues with lipstick.

Kit, Grace, Lana, and Shelley stage their escape under cover of the storm.  Sister Jude stumbles around looking for a missing inmate, but she's probably already forgotten who she was looking for.  Shelley misses the escape and gets grabbed up by Dr. Arden.  Ahhhh, the creatures!!  They look like zombies.  Dr. Arden has Shelley in his lab, and he explains that her "wings needed to be clipped."  In Dr. Arden-speak, that means double leg amputation!! 

American Horror Story Asylum - Episode 2

**This is a recap!  Spoilers ahead!**

It's been a tough week at my day job and Scream Queen needs some American Horror Story.  I still don't love this villain, Bloody Face, but I'm trying to roll with it.  He takes out Adam Levine, but I still don't think that's the last we're going to see of Mr. Maroon Five.  Sister Jude seems to use God when she feels like it.  She decides that God would be fine with electroshock therapy and sends Lana for a little treatment. 

Meanwhile, Dr. Thredson interviews Kit, and diagnoses him with "acute clinical insanity." Mary Eunice continues to feed the creatures out back, and the doctor gives her a candy apple in return.  Dr. Thredson is upset about the conditions at the hospital, and Sister Jude has the best response ever: "It's a madhouse, doctor.  What did you expect?"

A mother and father bring their son in, who has started speaking strange languages and ripped apart their cow and ate the heart.  You know, normal teenage behavior.  Dr. Thredson wants a closer look.  I've seen enough movies to diagnose it as a demon possession.  Shelley is just such a wild and entertaining character.  She's my favorite, along with Grace, the one that looks like Christina Ricci.  There are a lot of people being introduced on this show in only two episodes and I'm getting a little overwhelmed.   IMDB has been my friend. 

The exorcism begins.  Sister Jude gets booted out, and she is none too happy.  "It's no place for a woman," says the priest.  I'm thinking she's the wrong gal to say that to.  Dr. Arden, shortly after calling Shelley a whore, calls a hooker over to his house.  Just to eat food and drink wine though.  No big deal. 

Sister Jude is finally invited to join the exorcism, but she just gets locked in the room with the possessed kid, who reveals her worst secrets.  Not only did she used to be a sauced-up turboslut, but she also killed a little girl when she was driving drunk.  Guess she's not as holier-than-thou as she seems to act. 

The demon knocks the power out, and Lana stages her escape with Grace.  But she ruins it for herself when she decides to blow up Kit's spot.  WTF.  Dr. Arden definitely has a weird fetish about tying women up...also may be a murderer.  Bonus: refers to vagina as a "mossy bank."  Awesome.  Additionally, strong possibility that Mary Eunice is now possessed by the devil.  

Lana gets "rewarded" for being a tattletale by watching Grace and Kit get caned.  Oh well, maybe just Kit.  He seems to be suspiciously eyeing a glass on the desk next to him.  Next week -- lots of screaming, Mary Eunice looks crazypants, and maybe we get to see the creatures!