Piranha 3DD (2012)

This movie gets such low ratings on IMDB and Netflix....were people really taking this movie seriously?!  I got a kick out of it.  Sure, it wasn't as good as Piranha 3D, but it had lots of nudity, a totally ridiculous concept, and man-eating fish.  What more can you ask for on a chill Saturday night?

After their attack at Lake Victoria's spring break, the piranhas are ready to feed again.  This time, their target is the "Big Wet" waterpark, which used to be family friendly.  However, after the death of one of the owners, it's being turned into a naughty topless playground for adults.  Of course, this is the perfect place for the piranhas to be lurking.

The waterpark's staff is full of attractive twenty-somethings and strippers, which is just a recipe for disaster in a horror film.  There are plenty of familiar faces, from Katrina Bowden to Christopher Lloyd to David Hasselhoff.  The "good girl" of the movie is Maddy (Danielle Panabaker) and once she finds out that the flesh-eating swimmers are headed for the waterpark, she springs into action.  But her life saving plans are being thwarted by her greedy/horny stepfather and the hordes of drunken revelers filling the pools.  Since the stepfather is saving dough by swiping water directly from the lake, the piranhas have an easy way into the waterpark.

Sure, this movie is no classic, but I got a kick out of it.  Ving Rhames has weapon legs a la Cherry Darling, Hasselhoff is hilariously self-depreciating and the deaths are almost as entertaining as the first movie.  We even get a penis-biting!  Sure, Piranha 3DD isn't going to make it's mark on cinematic history, but it sure was fun to watch!

Leprechaun 2 (1994)

The Leprechaun movies were never meant to be serious, right?  Leprechaun 2 actually had a couple alternate titles including One Wedding and a Lot of Funerals, but they just went with the simple sequel title.  This time, we go back in the life of the Leprechaun, when he was denied his chance for a bride about 1000 years ago.  Now it's present day, and he's on the search for a new bride, this time in Los Angeles.

In this movie, the Leprechaun is interfering in the life of two teenagers, Cody and Bridget.  Cody lives with his legal guardian, an alcoholic tour guide named Morty.  Bridget is his girlfriend, but they get into a fight when he has to give a tour when they have a date scheduled.  The Leprechaun uses this opportunity to try and claim Bridget for his wife, but things get a bit complicated when Cody steals one of his gold coins.

Cody and Morty try various types of trickery on the Leprechaun, including a drinking contest, to try and find out where he is hiding Bridget.  But he sees right through their games and sends them on a wild goose chase so that he can both regain his coin and keep his bride.  A battle ensues and the result is fairly predictable, considering that the Leprechaun is typically thwarted in his destruction attempts.

Although this certainly isn't as entertaining as Leprechaun, I was surprised to see that it got a 0% rating on Rotten Tomatoes.  It's not that bad, geez!  This is hidden somewhere in the realms of Netflix instant, since it hasn't been suggested to me previously, but check it out if you're in the mood for some laughs and mid-90s corniness.   

Hypothermia (2010)

I'm not sure what to make of this movie.  It has two recognizable stars, Michael Rooker and Blanche Baker, and has a pretty kickass location on Sacandaga Lake in upstate New York (holla!)  But the creature in this movie was completely ridiculous.  Like, I spent an inordinate amount of time trying to figure out if it was supposed to be a joke, or some sort of tongue in cheek sort of thing.  I still don't know.

Hypothermia is about a family on an ice-fishing vacation -- dad Ray (Michael Rooker), mom Helen (Blanche Baker), son David (Ben Forster) and future daughter in law Gina (Amy Chang).  Ray looks much forward to this trip, and even goes seeking out a spot while it is still nighttime.  This results in his almost-demise, and in the awakening of a dormant creature under the ice. 

The next day, with Ray fully healed and warmed up, the crew takes to the frozen lake.  Their humble fishing area is soon interrupted by a loud father and son pair toting a top-of-the-line fishing trailer.  With their lame sandwiches and lack of beer, the family seems a little put off by the new arrivals.  However, once they both spot the ominous creature under the ice, they decide to join forces to eliminate it.

I am not joking when I say this creature was just SO lameballs.  SPOILER.

Like, what?  What is this even supposed to be?  It's played by a person in a costume.  They are credited at the end of the movie.  Seriously, no.

So all in all, this was a somewhat interesting concept, with a great location. But the reveal of the creature just fell flat, and the acting was pretty meh.  Luckily this was short (only a little over an hour), so if you're desperate to see the awesome lake creature in action, check it out on Netflix instant.

The Descent Part 2 (2009)

I mean, who didn't love The Descent?  Awesome concept, great execution, all-around badass movie.  As with many horror movies these days, it was left open for a sequel at the end with (SPOILER!) one girl (Sarah) escaping and leaving her maybe-alive, husband-banging friend (Juno) behind. 

When Sarah escapes and is taken in by authorities, she's finding it hard to explain why she doesn't remember anything about the last few days, and is covered in her friend's blood.  Meanwhile, rescue teams are searching the surrounding caves, to no avail, and desperately need Sarah to help them locate her missing friends.  The Sheriff's theory seems to be that Sarah killed all her friends in the cave and is now kinda losing her shit.

In an attempt to "jog her memory," they have Sarah join the rescue team at an old mine entrance that a dog has sniffed out.  She stills remembers nothing, so is pretty freaked out to start traipsing around in a cave again.  She sees a "crawler" but the other members of the team think she's just paranoid.  They push on, but predictably get separated, and the crawlers begin to close in.  No one seems to be listening to Sarah about the fact that they can HEAR but NOT SEE, and they all keep screaming as loudly as possible whenever they get the chance.

Much like Part 1, it then becomes a fight against the creatures, although this time we get treated to a rat climbing out of someone's mouth, and also a crawler pooping on two poor girls that are also apparently swimming in poop.  Yum.  The ending once again leaves it open for a Descent 3, which was never in the works as far as I can tell.

This flick was okay, but doesn't even come close to the creativity, action, and creepiness of the original movie.  Of course, that awesomeness isn't available on Netflix instant, but this is.  That seems to be Netflix's new jam...making random sequels available for instant watching, but never featuring the original/better movies. 

Eaten Alive (1977)

I have a vague memory of buying this movie one time at a dollar store and watching it.  I don't know what happened to that DVD, or why I never wrote a review of it, but now it's on Netflix Instant and I'll finally be able to give my opinion on it.  Tobe Hooper has a funny style that not everyone is on board with.  I liked Texas Chainsaw Massacre even though not everyone found it scary, and I love the nonsense campiness of The Funhouse.  As with the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, this flick is loosely based on an American serial killer -- in this case, Joe Ball aka "The Alligator Man," who killed several women in the 1930s and fed them to alligators.  

As was the trend in the 70s and 80s, well-known actors got top billing on these B movies, when they really only played smaller supporting roles.  Such is the case in Eaten Alive for Carolyn Jones and Mel Ferrer.  The main parts are played by Neville Brand (psycho motel owner Judd), Marilyn Burns (wife and mother Faye), and William Finley (husband and father Roy).  There are also appearances by Roberta Collins, Kyle Richards, Janus Blythe, and a very young Robert Englund.

Eaten Alive is about a strange man who owns a dilapidated hotel in backwoods Louisiana.  He has somewhat of a menagerie on the property, with the star attraction being his pet crocodile.  Clara (Roberta Collins) appears new to the hooker business, and after scaring off regular customer Buck (Robert Englund), her madam Miss Hattie (Carolyn Jones) boots her out of the brothel.  She treks down the road to Judd's (Neville Brand) hotel, and after learning of her profession, he stabs here and feeds her to the crocodile.  Meanwhile, a family -- Fay, Roy, and little Angie (who later played little Lindsay Wallace in Halloween) arrive with their dog Snoopy.  The crocodile still needed a snack after his hooker meal and he chomps up the dog as well.  

Everyone is understandably shaken, but guests still arrive to the hotel.  Harvey Wood (Mel Ferrer) and his daughter Libby (Crystin Sinclaire) are looking for their daughter/sister Clara, who was obviously already eaten by the crocodile.  Judd mentions offhand that he's seen her at the brothel, and they take off to investigate.  Meanwhile, there's a battle at the hotel, as Judd sets out to capture the young family staying there.  A lot of running, screaming, scythe-swinging, and croc-chomping ensue.  

It's always hard to follow up the success of a popular flick like The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, so Tobe Hooper obviously had an uphill battle from the start.  Eaten Alive isn't a terrible movie, and it has it's place in horror history.  It's certainly not as good as TCM, and Hooper was not able to achieve the general eeriness and vibe that we all loved so much about his first movie.  It drags at points, but I find that to be true of a lot of older movies, since my generation has become ADD about pretty much everything.  But a weird backwoods hotel owner and a hungry croc aren't the worst thing to ever happen to a horror movie and this one is definitely a B classic.  Also, it's it weird to think Robert Englund was kinda sexypants?  Maybe I've been watching too many movies this weekend, but he does has a couple sex scenes in this movie if that's your kinda thing.

"I'm Buck, and I'm here to fuck."

Pet Sematary 2 (1992)

Remember Edward Furlong?  What happened to him?  Looks like he's been in some horror lately, including the Night of the Demons remake, so I'm not sure how I've missed him.  Pet Sematary was a movie and book that both freaked me out, so the sequel's gotta be awesome, right?  Please imagine this statement laced with sarcasm. 

OMG so many cute animals in this movie!!  Kittens!  Bunnies!  Husky-esque mutts!  The premise?  Jeff's (Edward Furlong) mother Renee, an actress, dies in a freak accident on set.  His father, veterinarian Chase (Anthony Edwards) takes him from LA to live in Maine, right near where all went awry in Pet Sematary.   They move into a house with a built-in vet's office where they find some cute little abandoned kittens.  In the meantime, local boy Drew (Jason McGuire) brings in his dog to be examined.  It's obvious that his stepfather Gus (Clancy Brown) is a huge douchebag who will prove to be more so as the movie progresses. 

The other kids at school don't take kindly to Jeff, and are mean to him, even stealing his kitten :(  However, Jeff befriends Drew, and helps him bury his dog Zowie when his asshole stepdad shoots it.  Of course, they don't bury Zowie in the regular Pet Sematary, but in the one that brings everything back to life, either evil or stupid.  Let's guess how the dog turned out. 

After Gus the douche interrupts the boys' Halloween party, Drew's dog attacks Gus.  Panicked, the boys bury him in the Indian burial ground in order to avoid trouble and blame.  Gus returns, first stupid, but then evil.  Chase starts catching on to the mysteries of the Pet Sematary, while Jeff becomes obsessed with bringing his mother back to life.  Although Edward Furlong's acting is pretty meh through most of the movie, he does a 180 and goes total creepshow in the last 20 minutes.

This movie has a lot of corniness in it, from the random music to the lame dream sequences.  Stephen King sequels generally have a curse of being really horrible, and this one is pretty much no exception.  The original Pet Sematary is a pretty cool movie, and they should have just left it at that.  The repeating of the first movie's line, "sometimes dead is better" is totally ineffective and dorky.  The end of this movie hinted at another sequel, which thankfully stayed buried. 

The Reef (2010)

I saw Open Water a very long time ago.  In fact, I saw it in the drive-ins.  The Reef was said to be much like Open Water so I decided to give it a chance.

Everyone is snorkeling off of Australia and things are awesome.  I identify because I've been on snorkeling trips that seem sweet but things could go wrong at any moment.  The fish are cute and everything's great but the boat capsizes and everyone has to figure out what's up.

Some people decide to swim to an island 12 miles away.  Programming note: I'm a marathoner and I run 12 miles on a fairly regular basis.  Swimming 12 miles is an entirely different thing.  Running 12 miles takes around 2 hours...I can't imagine what swimming 12 miles would take.  Some people stay put on the sinking boat and hope it doesn't take them down with it.  

Now a shark is stalking around as everyone tries to get to safety.  Now I thought sharks only were attracted to humans if they were on a surfboard and looked like seals.  Apparently not.  These snorkelers try to dodge sharks as they attempt to reach dry land.

Unfortunately you really can't make a fast-paced movie when it comes to sitting around in the ocean waiting for a predator.  Jaws did it years ago but that combined excellent acting with quite an anomaly that The Reef cannot quite match.  It wasn't a complete waste of my time, but was not awesome either.

















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Mongolian Death Worm (2010)

Due to the impending hurricane, we New Yorkers are trapped in our apartments all weekend.  As my husband is confined here with me, I am subjecting him to as many horrible sounding horror movies as I possibly can before he goes all Jack Torrance on me.

I'm watching the last fifteen minutes of this movie while I write this, and I'm still not entirely sure what this is all about.  There appears to be worms, which kill people at random, but also make them sick.  Several different people appear to be involved in this issue, including a oil refinery manager, a guy searching for treasure, some volunteer doctors, and the only Mongolian main character -- a cop dressed like a cowboy.

The plot of this movie was pretty nonsensical.  Apparently some oil drilling has stirred up the infamous Mongolian death worms, letting them loose on all these unsuspecting people.  There were like 12 different subplots going on, making the whole thing nearly impossible to follow.  Also the entire thing was filmed in Texas, making its resemblance to Mongolia completely nil. I was hoping for Mongolian Death Worm to be awesomely bad, but it was just plain bad. 

Dolls (1987)

I remember seeing this movie on the shelves at the old-school video store in my neighborhood.  My mom never let us rent it, but fortunately, this is 20 years later and I can watch it on Netflix.  I had no idea this was a Charles Band movie, but it only makes sense.

My husband actually summed this movie up pretty well: "This is the most ridiculous movie I've ever seen.  But I cannot stop watching."  And that's pretty much what I think anyone would feel about this movie.

In a scene vaguely reminiscent of The Rocky Horror Picture Show, a family is stranded by the side of the road in the middle of a torrential rainstorm.  There's a mom, dad, and a young girl (Judy)  The parents can't seem to stand their young daughter, and seem satisfied to just leave her on the side of the road.  But the trio treks up to a looming mansion, where they find an elderly couple living alone.  As it so turns out, they are custom dollmakers, and their house is filled with the fruits of their labor.

As they get settled in, some more stranded guests arrive -- this time two trampy hitchhikers and the ultra nervous guy that picked them up.  This old couple seems to love having guests (or victims, whatever) and invites these three to join in on the fun.  Of course, as we know from the movie cover, the dolls are very much alive and out for blood.

The 80s truly were a wonderful era of all things creepy crawly.  From The Gate to Gremlins to Troll, there really hasn't been an influx of such a variety of creature-type slashers since that glorious decade.  Dolls is no exception in the realm of wonderful cheesiness, good effects, crazy acting, and a fun storyline.  This flick is currently available on instant Netflix, which we all will appreciate when they raise their prices come September.

Vipers (2008)

Oh, Tara Reid.  I wonder if you hadn't fucked up your career so badly, you could have actually become a successful horror actress.  You looked super cute in American Pie and your looks coupled with your throaty bedroom voice could have carried you through a few dozen slashers and an early retirement.

Anyway, I digress.  I'm strangely drawn to horror movies that involve Miss Reid and Vipers is no exception.  In this movie, scientists find out that a specific type of viper can be used to cure a deadly form of cancer.  However, unbeknown to the sponsors of the project, some scientists are pumping the vipers full of accelerators and they've gotten out of control.  Now they can chomp up entire people at once, and just generally wreak havoc.

After a situation in the lab, the vipers escape.  Another side effect of the enhancement is that the vipers want to do it like bunnies and multiply like crazy.  They slither off to a remote island and start attacking everything in sight.  The main players on the island are a retiring doctor, an ex-Marine, a bitchy teenager, and Nicky (Tara Reid) who runs a greenhouse where she also grows pot. 

Everyone tries to escape from the snakes, as the National Guard plans to gas the whole island, leaving both snakes and humans incapacitated.  I feel like I'm in a giving mood today, but I actually liked this movie.  Sure, the snakes were CGIed to death (or life) but I mean, come on.  You can't train vipers to act for the camera.  Tara Reid appeared to be sober, and the other actors were passable.  Although I'm not a huge fan of creature features, this was not a bad way to pass 90 minutes of my life.


















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Wilderness (2006)

I allowed my husband to pick a horror movie from our bursting-at-the-seams instant queue and this is what resulted.  I felt generally pretty meh about this movie.  I mean it had some cool things going on, but it's one of those movies that you pretty much forget about the minute the credits roll.

Wilderness comes to us from Britain, and is about a bunch of kids living in sort of a juvenile facility.  There are bullies, nerds, and weirdos, just as you would expect.  One boy in particular, Davie, is bullied quite severely and is subsequently depressed.  He commits suicide and the head of the institution blames the boys sharing his room.

As punishment, they are shipped off to a deserted island to practice their survival skills.  Of course, they are miserable about the whole thing until they come across some delinquent chicas who are also learning their lesson.  Although the responsible adult figures try to separate the sexes, they all find a way to cause trouble.

The other problem?  Adults and teenagers alike are being attacked at random by some mystery source and a pack of killer dogs.  Who is the killer?  And does it have something to do with the demise of their incarcerated brother?

This flick had some good gore and kill scenes but overall I was sort of uninterested.  I also really don't appreciate violence against animals, so that sort of turned me off as well.  So not awful, but pretty forgettable.



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Burning Bright (2010)

I'll be the first to admit it.  This movie sounds COMPLETELY ridiculous.  An autistic kid and teenager stuck in a house with a freakin' tiger?!?!  How did the tiger even get there? 

And now it's time for me to eat some crow and confess that this movie was pretty awesome.  There was actually a believable and horrible reason for the tiger being in the house and although you think it wouldn't, it all actually added up. 

Kelly's life is not a good time right now.  She goes to drop her autistic brother, Tom, off at a special school, planning on using the money left to them by her deceased mother.   However, the school tells her that there are insufficient funds in the account, and she finds that her stepfather has withdrawn all of the money to build a safari park at their house.   In addition, she now is about to lose her college scholarship to stay home and take care of her brother.

She returns home to find a bunch of people boarding up the house for a hurricane, and a bunch of exotic animals chillin in the garage, including a gigantic tiger.  Of note is the fact that the tiger has not been fed in two weeks so that the loser stepfather can "show it who's boss." (Sickening)

With the house boarded up tight and safe from the incoming storm, Kelly and Tom go to bed, and evil stepfather takes off for the local watering hole.  But instead of just locking up, he backs the trailer up to the house, letting the tiger inside and hoping to rid himself of those damn pesky kids.  The next hour is a literal cat and mouse game, with some really exciting scenes.  IMDB says that they used a real tiger for the majority of this movie, and that very little is CGI.  The movie was fast paced and concise, topping out at only 1 hour 15 minutes.  I thought the ending was great and really came full circle.  Definitely recommend this unique flick.

Fun fact.  If you have cats, definitely watch this movie with them.  Mine were meowing at the screen and wrestling with each other the entire time.  Guess they were psyched about seeing their long lost ancestor on the big screen.
















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Altitude (2010)

I wonder if anyone was thinking of The Langoliers when they started writing the script for Altitude.  We don't have a full-size plane and a smattering of random people, but instead a bunch of horny, drinking 20-somethings and a rookie pilot wearing enough eye makeup to block her vision.  The plane is very tiny, and I believe they're flying to some sort of concert. 

As it so turns out, the pilot's mom crashed a plane full of people many years ago.  Instead of avoiding air travel as most would do, she decides to become a pilot herself, and a bad one at that.  During their plane troubles, she decides to toss out some extra weight, and as you may imagine, it's hard to throw luggage out of a plane while keeping people securely inside.

At first it just seems like some sort of plane malfunction, coupled with a storm.  But however, there seems to be some octopus-like creature lurking outside.  Somehow this ties in with this girl's mom's plane crash but I can't really figure out how.  In fact, I really can't figure out what's going on with this entire movie.  Everyone on this plane was ridiculously insufferable and I don't understand how I was supposed to tie some semblance of a storyline together that involved children, tentacles, and comic books. 

I think I put this on my queue because I try to review new movies when possible.  But this reminds me why I don't do that all the time.  This movie was annoying from start to finish and I have no idea what happened.  Skip it.


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Chopping Mall (1986)

I love the mall.  Being from upstate New York, I worked at the mall on several different occasions and I remember all the delights and horrors that come with that place.  I especially love the mall in the 80s.  The 80s were just kind of a crazy time all around and that was really reflective in the mall.  Fashion was wild, Papa Gino's was a hot place to eat, and there were cookie stands instead of Auntie Anne's.

Chopping Mall is based on kind of a ludicrous premise, but that makes it all the more enjoyable.  Some security firm has created robots that can patrol the mall and "neutralize" any criminals that are robbing the mall after closing time.  Was this a rampant problem in 80s?  So much so that we needed to create special robots just for mall patrol.  You learn something new every day.

The robots are supposed to protect the workers at the mall by requiring identification and not taking them as criminals.  But something, seemingly to do with lightning, has gone terribly wrong and the robots are malfunctioning.  This wouldn't be a problem if the mall was empty, but there is a group of workers partying and sexing it up in a furniture store after hours.  When the robots find them, they go on the attack and attempt to pick them off one by one.

The story behind this movie was fun, and although the effects were not perfect, the deaths were pretty cool.  The music was at a Tangerine Dream-awesome level, that unfortunately stuck in my head after the movie ended.  The acting is truly 80s, complete with exaggerated everything, from facial expressions to screaming to that glorious crimped hair.

Chopping Mall is an original concept and a fun time.  Seeing the robots ride the escalator and flail their arms around like E.T. made my horror-hardened heart sing with glee.  Yay 80s!

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Isolation (2005)

I know.  Killer cows, right?  What the fuck?  And it comes from Ireland?  They make horror movies now? I don't care.  This movie was freakin' scary, man.

Seriously, the concept seems so random and destined to fail.  But it was executed really well and made it a unique and scary flick.  Basically, Isolation is about a broke farmer (Dan) who takes cash from a genetics lab wanting to do testing on his cows.  He isn't told what they're doing, but he has befriended (or maybe more?) the vet (Orla) who checks on the animals.

There's also some others involved.  Jamie and Mary have parked their trailer on his property, running from Mary's angry brothers.  Initially, Dan wants them to leave, but gives them one night to get their shit together.

Meanwhile, one of the cows is giving birth.  This cow (and maybe it's calf?) has been treated with the genetic enhancements and the delivery may not be routine.  Dan has difficulty, and calls in the squatters to help.  This starts a domino effect when everyone realizes that the baby cow is no cute little animal.  In fact, it's a raging beast that could be host to any number of creatures that could take out the whole country.

Definitely check this movie out even though the concept sounds silly!  It's really a solid watch.  I'm excited to see more horror come out of Ireland.

Random: 30 Day Horror Challenge Day 20

What's your favorite horror movie involving a killer animal?

I love dogs, Stephen King, and Dee Wallace.  So it's no surprise that Cujo is my favorite horror movie involving an animal.  This flick wouldn't work so much these days, with cell phone signals pretty much anywhere, but this story was entirely plausible in the 1980s.

Mom and son stuck in a car in the dead of summer while a rabid dog stalks them relentlessly.  It doesn't get much better than that ;o)

Monsters (2010)

I've been dying to watch Monsters ever since I got hooked up with a free shirt at the New York Comic Con last summer.  What can I say, I'm a sucker for free stuff.   The taglines really intrigued me: "After 6 years, they're no longer aliens, they're residents.  Now it's our turn to adapt."  Well, in my opinion, the tagline has nothing to do with the actual movie, so I'm not sure who came up with that one.  I expected that Americans would be living under alien rule or some shit, but that's not what this movie is about at all.

Monsters is about a journalist, Andrew (Scoot McNairy) and a woman Samantha (Whitney Able), who are sort of stuck in Mexico.  And as it so turns out, Samantha is Andrew's boss's daughter and he gets directed to get her the fuck out of there.  Why, you ask?  Because much of Mexico is inhabited by aliens, and they're going to start completely sealing the borders and ceasing travel throughout Mexico.  Andrew and Sam pay $10,000 to get on the last ferry out of the area, but then arrive the next day to find out that there will be no such ferry.  The only other option is to pay an exorbitant amount to be escorted through the "infected zone" after which they will be responsible for getting themselves over the U.S. border.


The "monsters" in question actually look much like the pod-things from the Tom Cruise version of War of the Worlds.  You honestly don't see too much of them, instead hearing their noises and seeing the impact of their destruction.  Andrew and Samantha's trip through Mexico was realistic and actually quite breathtaking at times.  The movie did a great job of depicting a world that was impacted greatly, but where people unable to leave needed to go about living their lives.  The directors claim that the movie was filmed "opportunistically," and that the actors were given an outline of the script, and encouraged to interact freely with each other, and the extras, who were mostly people just hanging out.  They filmed everything on location but (ssshhh) didn't really seem to get permission for anything.  I haven't really heard of a movie being filmed in this manner, but I think the results were good.

If you like end-of-the-world movies, aliens, or just plain despair, definitely check out Monsters.

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Troll 2 (1990)

Hearing that something is literally the worst movie of all time is really just a challenge to me.  Troll 2 was made four years after Troll and was apparently aiming to capitalize on the success of the first movie.  However, it has nothing to do with the original plot and contains no trolls whatsoever.  Challenge accepted, Troll 2.  Let's do this.

The "plot" of Troll 2?  A family is recovering from the loss of their grandfather.  Their son is struggling the worst, still often imagining his grandfather reading stories to him about creatures and goblins.  In order to recoup and take a break, the family decides to do a house exchange with some people in the country.  They haul out to Nilbog, a town of only 26 people in order to get away from it all.

However, when they arrive, the boy is plagued by visions of goblins forcing him to drink green goo.  He sees his family eating all of their food covered in the stuff, and he refrains from eating.  This causes his father to go on a weird rampage and declare a hunger strike as well.  Meanwhile, another woman gets infected with green slime and her a a nerdy guy go running into some sort of weird castle-type thing for help.  Soon we learn that the people of Nilbog are all some sort of plant-eating goblins and OMG, NILBOG IS GOBLIN SPELLED BACKWARDS!!1!!!11! 

The battle ensues between the vegetarian goblin residents of Nilbog and the human visitors.  It's silly and crazy and just all-around terrible.  I was bored.  I forced myself to sit through it until the ridiculous end.

The acting in this movie is truly horrendous.  It really sounds like the people are reading directly off of a piece of paper, with absolutely no feeling or inflection at all.  The plot made zero sense and I was never really sure what was going on.  I obviously knew this was going to be bad, but I'm sad to admit that I didn't put it in the "so-bad-it's-good" category.  I just found it to be annoying and boring, and I don't even think the Troll 2 drinking game could help me watch this one again.

Troll (1986)

How is it that I've never seen Troll?  What a crazy mishmash of 80s craziness.  Julia Louis Dreyfuss's film debut, a guy named Harry Potter, Sonny Bono in a pink robe, and a creepy little girl growling like The Exorcist.  I'm not sure what sort of audience this was intended for, but since it's a Charles Band production, I guess all rules are out the window anyway.  All of the gooey 80s cheesiness you could ever imagine is wedged into a glorious 82 minutes for your viewing pleasure.

The basic plot?  A family moves into an old apartment building that is inhabited by a creepy growling troll.  The little girl of the family, Wendy, comes in contact with the troll and is attacked.  The troll uses it's green ring to capture Wendy's form.  Wendy obviously starts acting possessed and crazy, but her oblivious family attributes her behavior to the stress of their recent move.  However, her brother (Harry Potter, Jr. LoL) realizes something is up, and seeks solace in the friendship of the building's elder resident, Eunice St. Clair.

Meanwhile, the troll, posing as Wendy, enters the apartments of the other residents.  She then transforms into the troll and attacks, changing their apartments into a lair for various little creatures.  HP Jr. steers clear of his newly possessed sister, and learns that his new friend Eunice is a witch.  She explains that she was once in love with a wizard name Torok, which is why she became a witch.  A war erupted, and the humans won.  Torok was then transformed into a troll as punishment.  Eunice has been standing watch for all these years, waiting for Torok to challenge the balance of things once again.

Of course, the "challenge" is happening now, with the residents of the apartment building being changed into creatures one by one.  It seems that Torok plans on creating a paradise full of his otherworld friends, taking over the apartment building from the human residents.  This leaves Eunice and HP Jr. to battle the new regime that is threatening to take over.  Will they be successful?

This flick was more fantasy than horror, but I figured I had to watch Troll before the more horror-centric (and hysterical) Troll 2.  This was definitely good for what it was meant to be, a fun fantasy romp from the decade that brought us terrible acting, corny synthesizer music, and dozens of creatures to give us nightmares in elementary school.  Man, I miss the "creatures" of the 80s movies.  Sure the effects were pretty subpar, but they just don't make 'em like the Gremlins anymore.

Splice (2009)

I'm not usually much for sci-fi, but this was one cool movie.  Splice is about two scientists Clive (Adrien Brody) and Elsa (Sarah Polley) who have made a scientific and pharmaceutical breakthrough.  They have created two nasty-looking creatures, Fred and Ginger, that have the ability to make this protein that will help create useful medicine for animals.

The pharmaceutical company is impressed and wants to move to "phase two".  Unfortunately for Clive and Elsa, phase two means working on synthesizing the protein so that the company can make big bucks on drugs.  They on the other hand, want to try out mixing human DNA with the creatures. 

They decide to go rogue and secretly create a little project of their own.  They use the DNA from Fred and Ginger and splice in some human DNA.  They stick it in a little incubation chamber and out comes Dren.  They believe that she was born way too early and is strangely deformed.  Although initially they plan to kill her, Elsa begins to bond with Dren and pushes Clive to keep her.

Dren ages rapidly and the couple struggles to keep her hidden while maintaining their jobs.  They both find it difficult to draw the line between child and subject when it comes to taking care of Dren.  Additionally, as the creature continues to change and evolve, they are faced with some crazy challenges and situations.

I think the acting in this flick was pretty good.  Although I'm not the biggest Adrien Brody fan, I've always liked Sarah Polley and I think this was a good part for her.  The actress who played the adult Dren, Delphine Chaneac, really did a lot with a mostly non-speaking role.  Yes, the end of this movie was sort of crazytown, but I did really like this overall.