American Horror Story Asylum: "Unholy Night"

Somebody shoots Santa out front of a grocery store.  That's unfortunate.  Now some deranged blood-covered Santa is in a little girl's house.  Tying her parents up with Christmas lights.  Shooting them in the head.  You know, regular holiday stuff.

Meanwhile, it's the holidays at Briarcliff.  Mary Eunice is ALL ABOUT IT.  She's chopping hair off left and right to hang on the tree.  Sister Jude tries to come in, but Mary Eunice boots her right out.

We revisit last Christmas, when it seems things went horribly wrong.  Briarcliff is in possession of the Santa murderer, and he gets verryyy antsy around Christmas. He rips a dude's face off. But now, Mary Eunice is happy to to give him a Santa suit to wear.  I mean, what's Christmas without a little murder?

Dr. Arden brings Mary Eunice a present.  A pair of earrings that a woman swallowed and shit out over and over at Auschwitz.  Instead of disgusted, she is delighted.  That upsets Dr. Arden.  Lana is puking her guts out.  Sister Jude is begging to be let back into Briarcliff, when Dr. Arden comes to pay her a visit.  He begs her to help with Mary Eunice.

Kit dreams of his wife and Grace.  Lana asks him a billion questions when he awakens.  Sister Jude and Dr. Arden are working together against Mary Eunice.  Meanwhile, Monsignor is practically drooling over her.  Creepy Santa is out in full force, and Mary Eunice is more than happy to accompany him.

Santa attacks Sister Jude while Dr. Thredson guns it out for Lana.  Luckily Kit's still rattling around the asylum.  Luckily for all of us, Sister Jude gets the better of the Santa!  Until next week, crazypants!

American Horror Story Asylum: "The Origins of Monstrosity"

We're back to present day and everyone's all strung up at the abandoned mental hospital.  Oooops.  Back to Briarcliff, and we have a creepy child.  YES.  Back in the basement with Dr. Thredson and Lana.  He is deliciously psychotic.  He's getting naked with cadavers now?!  This show has no limits. 

Thredson explains his past "work." Lana is understandably terrified, especially because he wants her to be his mom.  The little psycho girl, Jenny, gets left in the asylum by her exhausted mother.  Sister Jude wants nothing to do with that shit, and calls in Mary Eunice.  I almost forgot about Shelly!!  She is in some hospital somewhere, suffering, while the Monsignor shows up.  Like he can help.  He remembers his first meeting with Dr. Arden, and him mentioning "experiments."  Obviously this relates directly to Shelly's horrible condition.

Mary Eunice is stripping her clothes off so some dude can watch and play with himself.  Classy.  Dr. Arden shows Monsignor more "patients."  When he threatens to expose, Arden threatens right back.  Apparently Monsignor has something to hide.

Mary Eunice and Jenny commiserate.  She loves having a little friend.  The Monsignor, apparently responding to Arden's threat, fires Sister Jude.  Kit calls Dr. Thredson as Lana tries to file away at her chains.  I might stick around for the Croque Monsiuer.

Yippppeeee!!  Mary Eunice is wearing the red lingerie and singing "You Don't Own Me."  I'm obsessed.  Sister Jude is back to drinking, and she's doing it with Dr. Arden.  Oh, the Nazi hunter is still on his case, and all he needs is a fingerprint to lock it up.   But wait, Mary Eunice has other plans.   She's going to off the Nazi hunter and continue to be BFF with Arden.

The little girl kills her entire family when she returns home.  No big deal.  Bloody Face/Thredson doesn't think Lana is his mom anymore and she's gotta go.  She tries to play Mommy a la Mrs. Voorhees.  He attempts to breastfeed.  Once again, NO RULES ON THIS SHOW.

Back in present day and everyone's slashed up at the asylum.  Bloody Face took the girl though.  The cops seem to think they have a handle on it, but I'm highly doubting that.  Abrupt ending, and we're onto next week.  I was starting to think this show was losing it's momentum a bit, but I did like this ep.  Looking forward to the next one!

American Horror Story Asylum - Episode 2

**This is a recap!  Spoilers ahead!**

It's been a tough week at my day job and Scream Queen needs some American Horror Story.  I still don't love this villain, Bloody Face, but I'm trying to roll with it.  He takes out Adam Levine, but I still don't think that's the last we're going to see of Mr. Maroon Five.  Sister Jude seems to use God when she feels like it.  She decides that God would be fine with electroshock therapy and sends Lana for a little treatment. 

Meanwhile, Dr. Thredson interviews Kit, and diagnoses him with "acute clinical insanity." Mary Eunice continues to feed the creatures out back, and the doctor gives her a candy apple in return.  Dr. Thredson is upset about the conditions at the hospital, and Sister Jude has the best response ever: "It's a madhouse, doctor.  What did you expect?"

A mother and father bring their son in, who has started speaking strange languages and ripped apart their cow and ate the heart.  You know, normal teenage behavior.  Dr. Thredson wants a closer look.  I've seen enough movies to diagnose it as a demon possession.  Shelley is just such a wild and entertaining character.  She's my favorite, along with Grace, the one that looks like Christina Ricci.  There are a lot of people being introduced on this show in only two episodes and I'm getting a little overwhelmed.   IMDB has been my friend. 

The exorcism begins.  Sister Jude gets booted out, and she is none too happy.  "It's no place for a woman," says the priest.  I'm thinking she's the wrong gal to say that to.  Dr. Arden, shortly after calling Shelley a whore, calls a hooker over to his house.  Just to eat food and drink wine though.  No big deal. 

Sister Jude is finally invited to join the exorcism, but she just gets locked in the room with the possessed kid, who reveals her worst secrets.  Not only did she used to be a sauced-up turboslut, but she also killed a little girl when she was driving drunk.  Guess she's not as holier-than-thou as she seems to act. 

The demon knocks the power out, and Lana stages her escape with Grace.  But she ruins it for herself when she decides to blow up Kit's spot.  WTF.  Dr. Arden definitely has a weird fetish about tying women up...also may be a murderer.  Bonus: refers to vagina as a "mossy bank."  Awesome.  Additionally, strong possibility that Mary Eunice is now possessed by the devil.  

Lana gets "rewarded" for being a tattletale by watching Grace and Kit get caned.  Oh well, maybe just Kit.  He seems to be suspiciously eyeing a glass on the desk next to him.  Next week -- lots of screaming, Mary Eunice looks crazypants, and maybe we get to see the creatures!