American Horror Story: Coven - Burn, Witch, Burn!

Back to the 1800s and Delphine is having a Halloween party.  She's seemingly doing one of those things where you touch spaghetti and they say its brains.  But it's actually really the eyeballs and intestines of the slaves!  Delphine's daughters plot to kill her.  As revenge, she locks her daughters in the attic with the slaves.

Back to present day and the zombie invasion.  Also, Cordelia with the acid in her face!  In the hospital, we find out they "couldn't save her eyesight." Marie is levitating, and the cutie from next door thinks that the zombies are a Halloween prank.  Nan saves the man candy and they barricade themselves into a car, while the girls inside seek out higher ground.  In the hospital, Fiona goes looking for meds.  Now wasted, she goes wandering around the hospital until she finds some poor girl with a dead baby.  She makes the woman hold and talk to her baby, and does a spell to make the baby live again.

Zoe distracts the zombies with some pans, and runs and hides.  Delphine goes to get ice for Queenie and runs into her zombie daughter.  She begs for forgiveness, but the zombie is not having that.  Queenie sends Spaulding to check on Delphine, but the zombies are already inside.  Queenie tries to use her voodoo powers on the undead, without much success, but a fire poker wielded by Delphine does the trick.

Meanwhile, outside, Zoe comes to the rescue with a chainsaw, looking very Ash from Evil Dead.  She says a phrase, and somehow undoes Marie's spell.  Cordelia's husband arrives at the hospital, and he and Fiona have it out.  Cordelia opens her now-sightless eyes and sees when her husband was banging that maid from the first season.

Fiona returns to the house and they burn Delphine's daughters.  Fiona is very happy with how Zoe performed, and do we think she's the next Supreme?!  The council is back, and they're probably none too happy to see the burning bodies in the yard.  The council demands that Fiona abdicate as Supreme, and the council will rule the coven until the new Supreme shows herself.

Fiona reveals that Myrtle has been involved in all of this, and that she was the one who threw the acid in Cordelia's face.  The council votes that she be burned at the stake.  She claims that she will go proudly.  Fiona is thrilled, of course.  Before she burns, Myrtle states that everyone is just pawns in Fiona's game and they won't know it until it is too late.

So it turns out that Queenie used her voodoo to make Myrtle have the acid burns on her hand.  Fiona hints that Queenie could be the next Supreme, even though we know that is not true.  Misty goes to the scene of Myrtle's death and caresses her head.  Random ending!  Until next week.

You don't mess with the Supreme

American Horror Story Coven: Fearful Pranks Ensue

New Orleans 1961: some white dudes are chasing a black kid down the street.  In the beauty shop, a woman worries about her son's first day at the integrated school.  Fast forward a few minutes, and the boy has been hung from a tree, and Marie Leveau looks on.  Later, Marie does a spell involving snakes, while a group of men brag about hanging the black teenager.  The spell forces a bunch of people to rise from the grave and attack the men.

Creepy dolls abound in the butler's room.  He looks like the guy with the weird hand from Scary Movie.  He wraps up Madison's body as Fiona sits by and smokes.  A loud crash makes her take off looking for Cordelia, but instead finds Queenie, attacked by the minotaur.  Cordelia and Fiona manage to pull together and save her, and decide that they will solve everything internally from here on out.  Delphine is feeling guilty, since Queenie saved her from the minotaur.

Marie is working hard at the hair salon, when her husband's head gets delivered to her.  Poor Kyle is repeatedly knocking his head on the bathtub and bleeding everywhere.  Seems he came back slow and stupid instead of evil.  Zoe feels guilty that they brought him back to life, and leans towards feeding him rat poison.

Fiona is excited about Halloween, but Delphine is not.  Fiona takes off in a witch costume, while Marie runs around frantically getting ready to avenge her husband's death.  She calls a decades-old truce with the other witches OVAH.  Poor Cordelia, her husband is cheating on her with some redhead, who appears to be the maid from the first season of AHS.  Delphine rushes to thank Queenie for saving her life as soon as she regains consciousness.  Nan announces the arrival of some visitors, which turns out to be the council on witchcraft.

Plot twist!  Turns out Nan summoned the council when she stopped hearing Madison's thoughts, therefore becoming concerned that she was dead.  The council quizzes everyone on Madison's powers and behaviors.  Cordelia's husband continues to romance his red-headed friend, who thinks they are exclusive.  Oooops, and then he just shoots her right in the head.

Fiona is bored with the council's grilling, especially as they recall that two witches have disappeared right after seeing Fiona for the last time.  Looks like she killed the last Supreme that she took over for, and then killed Madison, who she thought would succeed her. Also, we find out how Spaulding lost his tongue, after a fellow witch enchanted a spell where he couldn't speak a lie, in hopes to out Fiona.  Of course, he can't speak any truths without a tongue!

As their last witness, the council calls Spaulding to write the name of the witch who mutilated him.    We flashback to the night he cut out his own tongue, after professing his love to Fiona.  We also find out that Madison was not meant to be the next Supreme, since they need to be in perfect health, and Madison had a heart murmur.

Marie is doing her raising-the-dead spell, and corpses are starting to creep up from the ground.  Nan sets up a memorial for Madison.  Spaulding plays with his creepy dolls, also dressing up as one.  He has Madison dressed up and posed, drinking tea.  Cordelia and Fiona are out boozing.  Cordelia goes to the ladies' room to puke and rally, and gets acid thrown in her face!  The cutie pie from next door brings over cookies for Nan, while Delphine's dead family shows up at the front door.  Zombies straggle all throughout the neighborhood!  It's a Walking Dead/AHS mashup!!

American Horror Story: Coven - The Replacements

Have I mentioned yet that these AHS recaps are freakin' exhausting?  Talk about working my brain.  Writing these is like taking a calculus class.  Love the show but damn it's complicated.

Fiona wakes up in the middle of the night, and daydreams back to an earlier time.  At one time, Fiona was young and beautiful and was taking over for the previous Supreme. Apparently what it takes to be a Supreme is to have several powers at once.  Also there's a random pussy-whipped butler who can't talk.  Sure that will come into play later.

Fiona is at bar, but thinking about dancing.  It seems the "dance" is attracting young men, which fades as she gets older.  Zoe goes to visit another witch (Mare Winningham!) who is smoking pot, and doing a lot of talking.  Queenie, Madison and Nan watch the sexy shirtless boys moving in next door.  Delphine sobs over the black president.  Nan talks about how she "gets it all the time." Love it.

Delphine is a racist to Queenie and Fiona makes her Queenie's direct slave.  LOVE IT.  Misty snuggles with Kyle and listens to Fleetwood Mac.  Zoe tries to make him fall back in love with her but Misty is jealous.  I just feel terrible for Misty because she is very lonely.  Nan rolls up on the cute boy's house with a cake, and Madison arrives in a club dress.  The  mother of the house kicks them both out.

Cordelia is back at the gyno, with a problem--she can't have a baby. Fiona is at the plastic surgeon, where they are refusing her any more work.  Zoe carries Kyle back to his mom's house (Mare Winningham!!), where she is both excited and scared to see him.

The mother from the next door visits Fiona to complain about the girls. Fiona pretty much chuckles about it.  Madison just wants to fuck poor innocent Catholic boy Luke.  Alicia (Winningham) visits her son in bed.  She's worried about his shower time, which looked sexy to me.  But apparently she realizes he looks different from before.  WHY?!  OMG BECAUSE SHE'S HAVING SEX WITH HER SON.

Cordelia rolls up on the Ninth Ward looking for Marie for her fertility issues.  Love the use of the phrase "baby gravy." There's this whole process, and also you get to bathe in goat's blood.  It's $50K but Marie turns her down because of Fiona's antics.  Nan gets into Zoe's head and knows about her Kyle crush.

Alicia calls Zoe to come retrieve Kyle.  Fiona lunches with Madison.  Fiona admits she was a terrible mother, much like Madison's.  Madison wants to be taught to be like Fiona.  Fiona seems to worry that she will be the next Supreme.   Delphine is Queenie's slave and it's hilarious.  But now the minatour is breaking in.

Queenie lets Delphine hide from the minotaur but then goes outside to bang him.  Alicia continues to flip out about her son's anatomy, you know, since she bangs him.  No worries because he beats her up.  Madison looks gorg at a dive bar with Fiona.  Fiona pictures herself as Madison since that's how she looked when she was younger.  Fiona pours out a drink!!

Fiona informs Madison thats she's the next Supreme since Fiona is dying from cancer.  She begs Madison to kill her,  but slits Madison's throat instead!!  The weird butler is there to help,  and to "bury her deep."

"This Coven doesn't need a new Supreme.  It needs a new rug."

FIONA FOREVAHHH!!  Until next week!

American Horror Story Coven - Episode 2 - "Boy Parts"

I'll tell you, American Horror Story recaps are freakin' exhausting!  So much going on!  We start with a couple of good ol' boys hunting for some gator in the swamps.  Misty (Lily Rabe) is hanging back out at the site where they have all their gators hanging up.  No we know that she is a necromancer, so she can make the gators come back to life and kill the poor rednecks.  Also, Stevie Nicks plays in the background! (and not that horrible Landslide song either)

Madison is being a bitch as usual, as Zoe mourns her lost boy toy.  Fiona has Delphine (who apparently smells) tied up in her room.  Flashback to Queenie's life in Detroit, where she was the manager of a chicken joint.  A dude gave her a hard time, so she used her voodoo doll powers to stick her hand in hot grease and make his arm burn away.  Also she might be my favorite person on this show.

Two copts come to investigate the bus crash.  Zoe claims responsibility for everything, including the sex death in the hospital.  Fiona uses her witch powers to brainwash the police and send them on their way.  Fiona punishes the girls by flipping them against the wall and bitching them the fuck out.  Madison decides to repay Zoe for killing her rapist by putting together a new sexy boyfriend out of many dismembered parts, with Kyle's face of course.

Cordelia is struggling to get pregnant, and in vitro is the next step.  However, her husband wants her to just use magic to conceive.  Fiona is back chatting with Delphine, who is regaling her with the story about the love potion gone wrong.  We learn the Marie Leaveau was not fucking around.  She killed Delphine's entire family, and then gave her the "gift" of eternal life, which she would spend buried in an unmarked grave.  Until today, of course.

The girls are hard at work with the boy reconstruction, which is eerily reminiscent of a Nip/Tuck episode.  They cast the spell, spilling some blood in the process.  I think this was the "black magic" that Cordelia was worried about earlier.  You know, with the pentagram and all.  They're concerned that the spell didn't work, but of course it did.  But like Pet Semetary, will he come back stupid or evil?

Fiona is getting her hair done in an African salon, which she must be loving.  Marie Leveau makes an appearance of course.  My second fave on the show, Nan, is bothered by Delphine's loud thinking, and unties her.  Of course she thinks Queenie is a slave and clocks her with a candlestick holder.

Fiona and Marie have a chat.  These two are just a battle of sassmasters.  All Fiona wants is whatever Marie's secret is to staying and looking young.  Cordelia decided not to struggle too much with the decision to make her baby with magic and goes through with it with her sexypants husband.   They bang inside a ring of fire and snakes which is pretty cool.

Zoe drags Kyle out of the morgue and poor Frankenstein is having a bit of a tough time.  Zoe's trying to operate a freakin' vehicle and he's trashing all about the car.  Oh, and then Misty joins them in the backseat, no big deal.  They go to Misty's little shack and she rubs Kyle down with alligator poop.  Also, she is strangely obsessed with Stevie Nicks, who is apparently her hero, and a witch.

Back at Marie's house, her husband is still a minotaur!  They've got business to take care of.  Delphine escapes, but only gets back to her own house, which is now a tourist attraction.  She waxes poetic about her dead family.  Fiona doesn't have a whole lot of sympathy, but they walk off into the sunset (aka back to the witch school) together.  Until next week!!

American Horror Story: Coven - Episode 1 - "Bitchcraft"

American Horror Story is back, bitches!  The first scene is set in New Orleans 1934 with a badass looking Kathy Bates painting herself in blood.  NICE.  Also, she has a bunch of slaves tied up in her attic, you know, with eyes ripped out and faces torn off and such.  AHS is going for the jugular right from the start this year.  She pops a severed bulls' head on the subject of her latest rage, creating her own personal minotaur.

Thank goodness Taissa Farmiga's back, this time as Zoe.  The tie-in?  She's actually trying to lose her virginity, just like season 1, but unsuccessfully yet again.  She learns that she is from a long line of witches, and randomly gets shipped off to a witch school in New Orleans.  They lost me for a second there, but that happens on the regular with me and AHS.  

Zoe arrives at the school, which appears empty at first.  However, there are some pranksters, which includes Gabourey Sidoube (aka Precious) as Queenie, Jamie Brewer (aka Adelaide from the first season) as Nan, and Emma Roberts as shunned actress Madison Montgomery.  Sarah Paulson is back as the head of the school, Cordelia Fox.  Lily Rabe returns as Misty Day, a witch who can bring dead things back to life.

Jessica Lange returns, this time as Fiona Goode, who is trying to get some sort of stem cell treatment in order to look and feel younger. The scientist ends up giving into her, but the serum is not working fast enough for her satisfaction, so she does a bunch of coke and acts craaazzzyyyppants.  Oh yeah and also she's a witch who can flip a dude around the room, and also steal his youth.  AWESOME.  What was Jessica Lange doing before she was fucking killing it on this series?

The teenage witches are all fighting, which is especially amusing, as they're using their witch powers to do so.  Cordelia is busy mixing potions while Zoe and Madison are off to a party.  Fiona comes to check up on Cordelia, who is her daughter that she highly disapproves of.  We learn that Fiona is the "Supreme" witch, which is very important.

Evan Peters is back as Kyle Spencer, a loud and douchey frat boy who is throwing the party that Madison and Zoe are attending.  Totally in love with the fact that Kyle and Zoe have sparks between them.  She goes looking for Madison, but it's already a bit late as she's getting gangbanged and is probably drugged.  Kyle freaks out and kicks ass.  Madison uses her witch power to crash the freakin' bus.

All the little witches go on a field trip with Fiona, but he get sidetracked by a tour of Delphine LaLaurie's (Kathy Bates) house of crazy.  Marie Leveau (Angela Bassett) discovers that Delphine mutilated her lover, and gives her poison, disguised as a love potion to keep her husband loyal.  And the house has been haunted ever since!

Oh, so we learn poor Zoe's problem with having sex.  Apparently when she bangs dude, she gives them brain aneurysms and they die!  So she goes to the hospital to visit the dude who raped Madison and rapes him, effectively killing him.

Man, I'm am going to love Jessica Lange SOOOO much this season!

I'm really intrigued by this season so far, but am already worried that they are suffering the same issue of last year, by introducing eleventy-billion characters at once, which are a bit of a struggle to keep track of.  Or maybe they're just a struggle to watch and recap at the same time? ;)  Either way, this season looks like a fun one!  Anyone who is wondering, I preferred Season 1 over Season 2, so I'm definitely wondering where I'll stand on this installment!

American Horror Story Asylum: "Unholy Night"

Somebody shoots Santa out front of a grocery store.  That's unfortunate.  Now some deranged blood-covered Santa is in a little girl's house.  Tying her parents up with Christmas lights.  Shooting them in the head.  You know, regular holiday stuff.

Meanwhile, it's the holidays at Briarcliff.  Mary Eunice is ALL ABOUT IT.  She's chopping hair off left and right to hang on the tree.  Sister Jude tries to come in, but Mary Eunice boots her right out.

We revisit last Christmas, when it seems things went horribly wrong.  Briarcliff is in possession of the Santa murderer, and he gets verryyy antsy around Christmas. He rips a dude's face off. But now, Mary Eunice is happy to to give him a Santa suit to wear.  I mean, what's Christmas without a little murder?

Dr. Arden brings Mary Eunice a present.  A pair of earrings that a woman swallowed and shit out over and over at Auschwitz.  Instead of disgusted, she is delighted.  That upsets Dr. Arden.  Lana is puking her guts out.  Sister Jude is begging to be let back into Briarcliff, when Dr. Arden comes to pay her a visit.  He begs her to help with Mary Eunice.

Kit dreams of his wife and Grace.  Lana asks him a billion questions when he awakens.  Sister Jude and Dr. Arden are working together against Mary Eunice.  Meanwhile, Monsignor is practically drooling over her.  Creepy Santa is out in full force, and Mary Eunice is more than happy to accompany him.

Santa attacks Sister Jude while Dr. Thredson guns it out for Lana.  Luckily Kit's still rattling around the asylum.  Luckily for all of us, Sister Jude gets the better of the Santa!  Until next week, crazypants!

American Horror Story Asylum: Episode 4

I keep seeing things creeping up on twitter and the web about AHS jumping the shark.  I really don't want this season to fail, but I am really having a hard time loving it as much as last season.  One of the things that's really bothering me is that there are SO many freakin' characters, and I feel like we barely get to see them develop before they bring in another character.  I'm just having a hard time connecting with anyone, or really feeling anything for them.  I really can barely keep track of their names at this moment.

A new patient arrives (shocker).  This one is claiming to be none other than Anne Frank.  And hey, she recognizes Dr. Arden!  Because he was a Nazi at Auschwitz when she was there.  Sister Jude argues that Anne Frank was never at Auschwitz, and died in the attic.  "Anne" is all, bitch please.  I know where I was at.  Sister Jude decides to take this opportunity to try and get Dr. Arden out of her life.  But of course everyone already knows she hates him, so it only makes sense that she would spin a tale of him being a Nazi war criminal.

Meanwhile, Kit and Grace are getting hot and heavy.  She tells him her story.  Which is completely untrue.  She actually murdered her family with an axe.  Oooops.  They bang in the bakery, but are subsequently caught.  Those two have a hard time staying out of trouble.

Dr. Thredson has decided that he is going to get Lana out of the hospital, as he believes she is not crazy.  A bizarre therapy session takes place.  The doctor shows her images of women while feeding her this medication to make her throw up.  Aversion therapy apparently.  Then he brings in a dude and tries to make her happy by touching him.  She barfs instead.  He decides maybe aversion therapy isn't right for her, and he hooks her up with a sexy pic of her ladyfriend.

Dr. Arden and the Monsignor are apparently working together.  Ooops.  So much for Sister Jude's sexy thoughts about dear Timothy.  The police suspect Dr. Arden in the attack on the prostitute.  They also find Nazi memorabilia in his house.  Double oooops.  "Anne" swipes a gun and attacks Dr. Arden.  She demands he open a locked door.  Ahhhh!  It's Shelley and she looks SCARY.  She's no longer the hottest piece at the asylum.  Sad.

We got no check in on Maroon 5 and his weird wife this week, but I'm thinking they're probably dead.  Also, nothing too new on Sister Mary Eunice, except she chooses a large riding crop for the beating of Grace and Kit.  Because no one should be allowed to make "murder-babies."  Not even in the asylum.  Until next week!

American Horror Story Asylum - Episode 3

Back to the present day asylum, where Bloody Face is attacking.  Looks like it's just a couple douches fucking around.  Or actually killing people.  But it "went too far" so maybe it wasn't intentional?  I'm confused.

And now back to the real asylum, where things are a little clearer for me.  Sister Mary Eunice is possessed and it turns her into a gloriously snarky bitch.  A newspaper lands on Sister Jude's desk with the headline about the little girl she killed.  Ooopsie, who put that there?  She remains incredibly suspicious of Dr. Thredson.  Meanwhile, there's a big storm coming.  Sister Jude arranges for everyone to watch The Sign of the Cross when the storm is at it's worst.

Dr. Arden finds a weird, spider like contraption was residing in Kit's neck.  Mary Eunice has developed a taste for stabbing people with scissors.  No worries though, because she can feed the dead bodies to the creatures outside.  Since being possessed by the devil, Mary Eunice has also had a slight increase in libido.  Unfortunately Dr. Arden doesn't like dirty talkers.  Dr. Thredson agrees to do Lana a favor, as he is more than happy to betray Sister Jude.

Sister Jude, meanwhile, is being tortured by her past.  Dr. Arden suggests she's "coming apart at the seams," and he seems to be right.  Ooopss, someone shouldn't have left that wine in reach of Sister Jude.  She snarfed the whole thing.  She introduces the movie night totally hammered.  She almost carries it off, but then starts randomly blabbering.  Dr. Arden says "whore" a lot, and also paints Virgin Mary statues with lipstick.

Kit, Grace, Lana, and Shelley stage their escape under cover of the storm.  Sister Jude stumbles around looking for a missing inmate, but she's probably already forgotten who she was looking for.  Shelley misses the escape and gets grabbed up by Dr. Arden.  Ahhhh, the creatures!!  They look like zombies.  Dr. Arden has Shelley in his lab, and he explains that her "wings needed to be clipped."  In Dr. Arden-speak, that means double leg amputation!! 

American Horror Story Asylum - Episode 2

**This is a recap!  Spoilers ahead!**

It's been a tough week at my day job and Scream Queen needs some American Horror Story.  I still don't love this villain, Bloody Face, but I'm trying to roll with it.  He takes out Adam Levine, but I still don't think that's the last we're going to see of Mr. Maroon Five.  Sister Jude seems to use God when she feels like it.  She decides that God would be fine with electroshock therapy and sends Lana for a little treatment. 

Meanwhile, Dr. Thredson interviews Kit, and diagnoses him with "acute clinical insanity." Mary Eunice continues to feed the creatures out back, and the doctor gives her a candy apple in return.  Dr. Thredson is upset about the conditions at the hospital, and Sister Jude has the best response ever: "It's a madhouse, doctor.  What did you expect?"

A mother and father bring their son in, who has started speaking strange languages and ripped apart their cow and ate the heart.  You know, normal teenage behavior.  Dr. Thredson wants a closer look.  I've seen enough movies to diagnose it as a demon possession.  Shelley is just such a wild and entertaining character.  She's my favorite, along with Grace, the one that looks like Christina Ricci.  There are a lot of people being introduced on this show in only two episodes and I'm getting a little overwhelmed.   IMDB has been my friend. 

The exorcism begins.  Sister Jude gets booted out, and she is none too happy.  "It's no place for a woman," says the priest.  I'm thinking she's the wrong gal to say that to.  Dr. Arden, shortly after calling Shelley a whore, calls a hooker over to his house.  Just to eat food and drink wine though.  No big deal. 

Sister Jude is finally invited to join the exorcism, but she just gets locked in the room with the possessed kid, who reveals her worst secrets.  Not only did she used to be a sauced-up turboslut, but she also killed a little girl when she was driving drunk.  Guess she's not as holier-than-thou as she seems to act. 

The demon knocks the power out, and Lana stages her escape with Grace.  But she ruins it for herself when she decides to blow up Kit's spot.  WTF.  Dr. Arden definitely has a weird fetish about tying women up...also may be a murderer.  Bonus: refers to vagina as a "mossy bank."  Awesome.  Additionally, strong possibility that Mary Eunice is now possessed by the devil.  

Lana gets "rewarded" for being a tattletale by watching Grace and Kit get caned.  Oh well, maybe just Kit.  He seems to be suspiciously eyeing a glass on the desk next to him.  Next week -- lots of screaming, Mary Eunice looks crazypants, and maybe we get to see the creatures!