Bloodlust Zombies (2011)

Alexis Texas.  What a cool name.  Who is this person?  Oh, a porn star and model.  Apparently she plays someone called "Buttwoman."  TP for my bunghole?  I am so immature.  Whatever, she is pretty though.  And apparently going the Zombie Strippers/Jenna Jamieson route, and making the foray into horror movies.

In a vague rip-off of the beginning of 28 Days Later, Blooodlust Zombies starts with a lab testing some chemical weapons, this time on cats instead of monkeys.  But they catch the rage all the same.  Everyone in the office celebrates this as a major victory, so obviously that's what they were aiming for.  The next ten minutes plays out pretty much like a porn, fully utilizing the talents of Miss Alexis Texas, as she dons some cowboy regalia and bounces atop some crusty C-level guy.  Unfortunately, she hits the intercom button, and the entire office hears the details of their ridiculous tryst.  While imitating the bumping and grinding, two lab technicians knock over some vials, and in the midst of the cleanup, accidentally let loose an infected cat.

The "angry pussy" as the dorks put it, scratches another employee, and we all know how this kind of thing goes.  The rage/zombie infection/whatever is spreading and I'm guessing a porn star is slated to be the savior of these poor suckers.  Everyone in this movie is so incredibly stupid, and their horrible acting seems intentional.  There's the bumbling security guard (Dan Lantz), the douchey corporate horndog (Adam Danoff), the nerdy-yet-hot temp (Lauren Todd), the executive ice queen (Janice Marie), and the office hottie (Alexis Texas).  Some incredibly unscary zombies (they call them mutants) prance about the office complex, while the regular people do a pretty bad job of fighting them off.

This was supposed to be a horror comedy, and there were some parts that made me giggle a bit.  Alexis herself clearly realizes that her acting is pornstar-cheesy and she seems to just go with it.  This movie was a pretty standard low-budget zombie ripoff, but if you like B-movies and porn stars adding their nakedness to a movie for no apparent reason, then Bloodlust Zombies might be worth a watch for you.

BreadCrumbs (2011)

When a normal person scans through their 225-strong Netflix instant queue, they probably look for movies that skew towards 4 or even 5 stars.  But God knows this blog doesn't get hits from Oscar contenders, so I tend to stray more towards the lowbrow stuff.

BreadCrumbs gets a pathetic 3.2 on IMDB, but I typically take that in stride because I give higher ratings to horror movies than most mainstream viewers would.  Plus, what's not to like about a bunch of porn stars making a movie in the middle of the woods?  While creepy children stalk them?  Sounds like an even lower budget Suicide Girls Must Die with a little Ils thrown in?  Probably wishful thinking.

I've never seen porn stars that look like such every day people, or teenagers that act like such first graders.  This movie is odd right from the start, so I hope for it to be wonderfully campy instead of just plain horrible.  Anyway, everyone's getting drunk in this house, except for the mom-figure who is quitting cigs and booze and making one last flick before she gets out of the game.  They see the creepy kids lurking around the house a couple times, but just continue to get their drink on and try on outfits for the next day's shoot.

Finally, porn time comes and the movie-making is on.  However, right in the middle of the money shot, the creepy boy appears in the window.  Buzz. Kill.  The mom of the group seems determined to "save" these kids, which will surely only end in her demise.  The remainder of the movie is adults versus kids as the slow-looking hick and cat-eyed redhead chase the group around the house and through the woods.  

This movie wasn't the worst movie I've ever seen, but it wasn't that good either.  There were some creepy parts and some decent gore, but overall, just meh.  And anyone looking for lots of T&A, look elsewhere.  There's basically only one boob shot, even though the movie is supposed to be about porn.  False advertising.  Oh well.

Fright World (2006)

Remember in college when you'd be partying in a frat house, and somehow you'd end up in that douchey blacklight room?  With the Bob Marley posters and light that made your clothes look dirty?  Well put that experience together with a long and horrible Marilyn Manson video and that's pretty much what you get with Fright World. 

I really have no idea what even happened in this movie.  It appears that there was a super-tacky theme park that was at one time operating and popular.  It got closed down and some sort of killer moved in.   His killing appeared to be limited to a chick in a large bra, but you know, tomato, tomato. 

Years (a year? it's hard to tell) later, some investor buys the park and decides to reopen.  But in the meantime, he invites a bunch of his goth friends over to play around.  Everyone basically drinks, smokes pot, and bangs, all while horrible metal wannabe music plays in the background.  We get glimpses of enough boobs to get my husband to hang out in front of the TV for a few minutes, but nothing to write home about.

Apparently this place is haunted by the spirit of Vernon Fell, the murderer of Fright World.  I didn't see too much murdering...mostly just scared goths running through a series of rooms, with horrible cinematography, lighting and editing.  Seriously, the filming of this was so bad that it's actually blurry throughout most of the movie.  This was far far far too long for a low-budget slasher.  I was hoping for a Funhouse ripoff but I got something that could have been made in my backyard.  Fail.

















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When a Killer Calls (2006)

When I first started watching this movie, I had to double-check IMDB to make sure it wasn't from the 80s.  The video quality is so shitty that I thought it couldn't possibly be from this decade.  After checking that, I had to make sure that this wasn't made by my little cousin and his FlipCam.  Another negative, so although you wouldn't have guessed it, this movie is made by actual filmmakers, less than 5 years ago.  Moving on.

We open on a brutal scene of bondage and stabbing, including doing so with kids.   He captures it all on his cellphone, presumably to post to Facebook and tag friends.  Or Twitter?  I don't know how this dude rolls.  After a pretty cool knife death, we switch up the setting.

Trisha is a babysitter.  An extremely irresponsible one.  Basically, the parents lay down some pretty basic rules for her: no visitors, no ice cream for the kid, and bed at 9pm.  She breaks all of them in record time, making me wonder why anyone entrusts their kids with this stupid chick.  She spends the majority of the babysitting time on the phone with her boyfriend.  Soon enough, she starts receiving creepy calls on her phone from a "restricted" number.  In the vein of the many babysitter movies that came before it, the mystery man calls repeatedly, alternately wanting to chat and reminding Trisha to check on her babysitting charge.

Predictably, she finally gives in and calls the police, where they direct her on how to trace the call.  Their directions actually seem to make zero sense whatsoever, but I'm too concerned with waiting for the moment that they tell her the calls are coming from inside the house.  Guess I'm a traditionalist.

However, the calls decline and the douche factor rises and we get stuck in sort of a non-scary holding pattern for a bit.  But then my patience pays off as we're treated to an ultra creepy killer and some pretty solid death scenes.  This movie was actually not so bad overall.  It certainly wasn't in the realm of When a Stranger Calls or even Babysitter Wanted, but it wasn't completely horrendous either.  The picture and sound quality was pretty bad, and the acting is about what you'd expect.  The killer's motivation was actually pretty original and although the ending was "meh," at least they didn't drag this shit out and leave it open for "When a Killer Gets a New Cell Phone" or some crap.

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Basket Case (1982)

Basket Case is gooey 80s cheese on par with Hobgoblins.  Everything is so glorious about this movie, from the bizarre over-acting to the claymation-esque effects to the gritty depiction of New York City.

Duane Bradley (hailing from Glens Falls, NY....holla) makes his first trip into the city lugging a conspicuous basket around.  Apparently the basket contains his conjoined twin, Belial, who was removed against both of their wills.  Duane and his twin are out to seek revenge on those who have wronged them, including the doctors who separated them.

Along the way, they meet many characters and encounter many trials and tribulations.  Although Duane wants to have a somewhat normal life, his twin is afraid of being deserted.  When he leaves Belial briefly to go on a date, he retaliates, trashes the room and starts killing people.  Duane also befriends a prostitute who gets him so drunk he reveals the contents of the basket.  Mwahahaha.  Of course, you can't keep a deformed Siamese twin in a basket forever, and Belial has the urge to escape and wreak havoc.  Blood, hilarity, and deformed boob-touching ensue.

This film is obviously low budget, and the director claims that the wad of money that Duane flashes in the beginning of the flick was all the dinero they had for the movie.  But the effects are pretty good for such a low budget, and it's pretty apparent that the corniness and overacting are intentional.  The death scenes are pretty freakin' awesome, and well-played for a creature that looks like a squashed octopus.  For the fact that this was generally filmed at a hodgepodge of different locations, mostly borrowed or without permits, everything looked legit and flowed together pretty well.  This is a serious B classic, with so many awesome one-liners. If you're looking for some gore, laughs, and a crazy-ass storyline, then look no further than Basket Case.

I also find it endlessly hysterical that this was called "Where Do You Hide, Brother?" in Spanish.  Obviously, I'm easily amused.
 
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House of Fears (2007)

My husband is not a big fan of horror movies, but he especially hates the cheesy B-movies that I live for.  House of Fears has glorious horror garbage written all over this spastic poster/DVD cover and I cannot wait to watch it.  I love Funhouse and I'm hoping this will be much like it, although they probably can't pull off that laughing fat lady and the crazy Frankenstein guy.  That's Tobe Hooper's territory. 

We begin in Africa, where some excavators dig up some haunted relics that cause them all to die an untimely death.  Some time later, one of the relics gets mailed to the House of Fears, a haunted house in Oregon.  A bitchy chick (Hailey) drags her stepsister (Samantha) to a house party full of stereotypical douchebag guys.  The sisters hook up with a couple of dates (rightfully named Zane and Carter) and pick up another couple (Candice and Devon) and they head over to the House of Fears for a pre-Halloween sneak preview.

They break in (sort of, because they have keys) and start exploring the haunted house.  They, too, find and touch the freaky relic but it does not cause their immediate demise.  However, it does make the electronic residents of the haunted house come to life.  Dun dun dunnnnn.  The teenagers are generally having fun, fooling around, playing tricks, switching dates...you know, typical high school stuff.  But when the haunted house comes alive, it becomes a fight for their lives!  (I could really write the copy for these low-budget flicks)  They're each faced with their worst fears, one of which is a scarecrow.  Seriously?  Anyway, I think we've seen the "dying from your fears" plot working a little better than it does here.  They spend the last portion of the movie running around the haunted house like chickens with their heads cut off and it gets a bit tiresome.

This is a pretty predictable horror movie overall.  There's actually very little gore, and the cheesy characters get kind of annoying after awhile.  I really wish that low budget movies would start going outside the casting box a little.  Once again, we're stuck with the formula of the cute/shy girl and the jock hero, the sex kitten and her token black boyfriend, the bitchy chick that no one wants to date, and the loud-mouthed dork chasing all the girls.  Would it take too much to think of a group of teenagers beyond this structure?  If you want to see kids stuck in a ride/haunted house, see Funhouse.  And even The Fun Park and Dark Ride is better than this flick. 

Sympathy (2007)

What a crazy little movie this was.  Rumored to have been made for $6,500 and edited on a Mac, this is the kind of low-budget independent horror that the fans want to see.  Sympathy is getting compared to Hitchcock and Tarantino, and I would say this definitely has a Reservoir Dogs type vibe.

Sympathy takes place solely in a seedy motel and only has three characters.  It kicks off with Sara (Marina Shtelen) being dragged into a hotel room by bank robber Trip (Steven Pricthard)  But it seems the little lady is not getting tied up that easily and she puts up quite the fight, both physically and mentally.  Trip doesn't seem like the most seasoned bank robber/kidnapper and fumbles around making rookie mistakes.

Meanwhile, the duo gets a visitor in the form of recently escaped prisoner Dennis  (Aaron Boucher).  He sees what's up here -- feisty hostage and idiot captor - and decides to take over.  I have to say that the scenes between Sara and Dennis were both chilling and strangely sexy.  The two actors had crazy chemistry (if that's the right word) and delivered exactly what you were looking for in this situation.

I don't want to give too much more away about this movie, but there's definitely some wild twists and turns along with blood, gore, and even a touch of cannibalism.  Director Andrew Moorman really looks like her has a promising future ahead, and I would say the same for the actors.  I'd really love to see Marina  screaming through a few horror movies as the final girl.  Watch out, Danielle Harris ;o)

Raw Meat (1972)

Snore, snore.....zzzzzzzzz.  I really, really tried to like this movie, but it was just really hard to do so.  I was excited to see a pre-Halloween Donald Pleasance, but the movie was mostly him talking and not much else.  I wish this movie was more about cannibalism and less about two London detectives wandering around, interrogating people over and over, and rudely demanding tea. 

Raw Meat follows a young couple, Patricia and Alex, who, when leaving the subway late at night, see a man collapsed on the stairs.  Although Alex wishes to ignore the man and go about with their evening, Patricia fears he may be hurt or dying.

They involve police, who return to the spot and find the man missing.  Detectives soon discern that not only is the man a prominent civil servant, but also that there have been several other strange disappearances from this particular subway station.  A little digging reveals that 100 years prior, men and women working on the subway were trapped alive when a tunnel collapsed.  But little did they know that these individuals lived for decades, reproducing and feasting on human flesh.

However, now only one man remains, after the death of his pregnant companion.  The man appears to by dying himself, having contracted a disease after living amongst filth and vermin.  The man eventually becomes desperate for food and companionship, and takes more severe measures.

You would think that this would make for quite the salacious story but it was just SO slow and boring.  The action (or lack thereof) just plodded along at a glacial pace until it got all Hills Have Eyes during the last few scenes.  I see that this has gotten a lot of good reviews and has been considered to have achieved cult status, but I just wasn't feeling it.  Sorry, Brits.

The Woods Have Eyes (2007)

Seriously, we couldn't think of a more original title for this movie?  I feel there were definitely better options out there.  Apparently this was "inspired by true events" which could pretty much mean anything these days.  Like someone died in the woods at some point in time and the writers were "inspired" to make this  ridiculous movie. 

A bunch of guidos with overdone Brooklyn accents are traveling upstate for a little summer retreat.  Nevermind that this was actually filmed in Florida, which does not resemble upstate New York in any way.  It's all fun and games until the guys decide to take a little hike to see Cappy's Cabin.  It's not clear why they would want to see this cabin, but there's not too much in this movie that is clear.

Two of the older guys, including Jersey Shore wannabe Carmine, take a bunch of the kids along on this hike.  They find the cabin, and one of the guys is pulled inside the window and killed.  That leaves Carmine and the kids to fend for themselves as a group of rednecks hunt them through the woods.   As the hunt begins, this movie gets horrifically boring.  Seriously, it's just 45 minutes of running through the woods, peppered with some occasional violence. The story really doesn't go anywhere, and the Pauly D clone leading this little pack is beyond annoying.

The ending was super super super lame.   Skip this one.  I paid $5.99 on Amazon for the Blu-Ray and it wasn't worth that.

Hobgoblins (1988)

This movie is truly the epitome of 80s cheesy horror.  I remember seeing it a while back on Mystery Science Theater 3000 and it being one of my favorite episodes.  This movie is low budget, with horrible acting and ridiculous special effects...if you can even call them that.

Kevin is a upstanding young man, hard at work guarding an old studio.  He's accompanied by the aging McCreedy, who continues to guard the place after 30 years....because why...?  Oh, that's right, there's some creatures living downstairs in the vault and it's his job to keep them contained.

However, Kevin does not heed to his warnings, and lets the little monsters loose.  He learns that the hobgoblins make your deepest darkest fantasy come true...and then kill your sorry ass.  Kevin hurries to his girlfriend's house to protect themselves and some friends from the hobgoblins.  But it's too late.  These fake-ass looking things are attacking the Madonna-wannabe in the front yard, and everyone scrambles to save themselves.

However, soon everyone's crazy fantasies are being fulfilled and they've blocked out the threat of the harmful little aliens.  Kevin's friend takes off for "Reputation Road" with a phone sex operator, and his girlfriend takes off to be a stripper at Club Scum.  As the night wears on, it becomes more difficult to corral the little creatures, and we don't know who will make it out alive!

This movie has a 1.7 rating on IMDB, and I don't think it's THAT bad.  I mean obviously it's ultra corny and has horrible effects, but it's rather entertaining.  I do advise checking it out on MST3000 instead of a straight-up rental.  It's one of the best episodes I've ever seen (better even than Manos, Hands of Fate)

Suicide Girls Must Die! (2010)

I'm sort of a weird person.  I grew up making straight A's and working at places like day camps and the Home Depot.  I went to a preppy-ish college in upstate New York and studied journalism and PR.  I work a corporate office job and wear suits to work.  I live on the Upper East of Manhattan, married to a straight-laced guy who wears button-downs and polos.

However, I have a secret side.  There's the horror movie obsession, obviously.  I have several tattoos and planning more.  I listen to metal on the way to my Wall Street job.  And I want to be a Suicide Girl.  I imagine that I'm too old and I don't have enough tattoos/piercings, but don't kill a girl's dream, yo.

Rock of Love - Bret Michaels + the woods of Maine = Suicide Girls Must Die!  This flick bills itself as the "world's first reality horror movie" but I'm pretty sure that was The Blair Witch Project.  But, okay.

Suicide Girls follows a group of tattooed and pierced models as they travel to a cabin in Maine for a photo shoot.  On the way there, they are get piss-drunk and pulled over for public urination.  When they arrive at the cabin, the shenanigans continue.  Their days seem to be filled with drinking and getting high, with some girls doing naked photo shoots in between.  And yes, there is full drunken tattooed nudity in this movie.

The girls start to disappear randomly, but no one seems too concerned.  You can pretty much tell the whole thing is fake when the "cop", who is obviously a male stripper on his night off, shows up to reprimand the ladies for wasting his time.  And the fact that they all continue drinking and partying long after their "friends" are missing is a testament to the fact that they likely knew what was up all along.

But honestly, I'm not complaining.  I'm a huge Rock of Love fan, and if you love that show, you'll freakin' love this movie.  There's catfighting, boozing, and gratuitous boob shots, but unfortunately, there's no horror to be seen.

Sutures (2009)

This was a pretty solid movie.  Even though it has a general premise similar to Hostel and the like, it has a fast-moving storyline, some decent gore, and an interesting twist at the end.

Sutures starts out pretty standard with a group of stressed med students headed up to a distant cabin for a little rest and relaxation.  They stop for gas on the way in the middle of nowhere and go along on their way.  Shortly after, a formidable man, Alexander Tatum, also stops by the gas station.  He questions the attendant about the previous visitors, but the man brushes off his questions.  This leads to torture in order for Alexander to figure out where the college students are headed. 

Alexander follows them to their cabin retreat and skulks around the house before stealing some organs and dragging them off to a secret location.  All of the kids are in for a different kind of torture -- from having their organs outright taken, to being test subjects for viruses, and to being guinea pigs for triage practice.  Meanwhile, we learn that all is not what it seems with Alexander Tatum. He has an f'ed up childhood that makes him behave in this manner and is testing the limits by breaking the "rules" of this little organ harvesting ring.

Luckily enough for her, one of the women is able to escape, and spends the entire movie in a hospital room relaying this story to a police officer.  The officer becomes frustrated as she fades in and out of conciousness and becomes more and more vague in her statement of the facts.  And when the officer steps out for a moment...

I thought this movie was pretty solid.  Sure, it was low-budget and the acting could have used some help, but I found it to be a bit of a fresh take on the cookie-cutter torture porn script.  The background of Tatum is definitely a new one, and the twist in the end came as a surprise.  And horror fans know that surprise endings are pretty few and far between these days.

Hunger (2009)

Dammit, Blockbuster got me on this damn exclusive Fangoria deal.  I can't even remember the last time I actually rented a movie from an actual brick and mortar store.  That shit is more than $5 now.  No wonder Netflix is making a killing.

Anyway, I digress.  Fangoria is releasing a bunch of movies exclusively to Blockbuster and Hunger is one of them.  I saw the previews for the rest and was meh about most of them, but I really wanted to see this one.

Hunger is the story of five people who wake up in a room, having no idea where they are. They stumble around in the darkness and realize that they have been locked in a dungeon-like space with a bunch of water but zero food.  One of the captives, Jordan, is a doctor and she quickly realizes what's up.  The average human body can only survive 30 days without food.  Conveniently enough, there appears to be a clock in the room that counts exactly 30 days.

At first, the group wonders why they are all in this together, but they soon realize that they all have something rather sinister in common.  At first, they remain a strong alliance against their captor, but as the days pass, they begin to turn on each other.  Their creepy warden watches with glee as they form little mini alliances and plot against each other in order to survive.  Additionally, we find out that there is an ultra disturbing reason that the "scientist" is keeping them locked up in this mess.

I thought this was a good movie.  It kept me interested, and it only veered out of the path of realism a few times, I felt.  The ending was sort of meh, but I don't really see where else they could have gone with it, so I'll take it.  I think this one's definitely worth checking out.  I'm not sure when Netflix will be carrying it, but Blockbuster has a whole section devoted to the Fangoria exclusives. 

Evil Bong (2006)

I really needed a pick me up yesterday and this movie was perfect for it.  I'm not a stoner myself, but for some reason, I find stoner movies endlessly hilarious.

Evil Bong is the story of pothead roommates Larnell, Bachman, and Brett.  They're looking for a roommate, and along comes super-geek Alistair.  Alistair moves in and becomes comic fodder for the trio as he studies ruthlessly, uses sophisticated language and washes his tighty-whities in the kitchen sink.

One day, Larnell is reading through High Times and comes across an ad for a supposedly possessed bong.  He, of course, must have it  and orders immediately.  The gigantic bong arrives and all (except Alistair) smoke it.  However, there are negative consequences to using said bong.  Smokers drift into a deep sleep, and enter Bong World, where strippers and revelry await.  The problem? Dun. dun. dunnnnn.  You don't wake up.

When Alistair's love interest becomes trapped in Bong World, he makes a heroic attempt to save her.  Tommy Chong plays the ex-owner of the bong, showing up to conquer it.  Even Brandi C. from Rock of Love appears as a stripper.  And in a hilarious cameo, Bill Moseley delivers the best line of the movie, "I am going to work on you with a car battery and a grapefruit spoon!"

Obviously this movie wasn't breaking any cinematic ground, but I found it to be pretty funny.

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Live Animals (2008)

I bought this thing from Best Buy called "Horror Collector's Set" for $4.99.  It has four movies on it and this is one of them.  Live Animals is seriously low-budget but I liked this flick.  It was an original concept and exciting enough to keep me watching it for 1.5 hours.

Live Animals is about a group of college kids hanging out at a cabin for the weekend (or longer?  It's not clear)  They throw a party, drink, have fun and sex, and are generally having an awesome time.

However, there's trouble lurking nearby.  A beefy masked kidnapper is all worked up to swipe some co-eds and that he does.  Hours later, they regain their senses to see that they are all locked in horse stalls in a barn.  One of the friends is being tortured in order to set an example for the others to behave.  Torture continues, but we're not sure yet why these people are being kept.

However, we soon learn that this is all part of some white slavery ring being propagated by the creepy Santa Claus looking dude that runs this shit.  Suffering continues, and some attempt escape.  Will they be successful?  That is the question.

The sound and picture kind of sucked in this movie, but I thought it was a pretty solid flick.  Especially for $1.25.  I'll keep posting reviews to the rest of the movies on the disc, and for those of you that are interested, looks like it's still available at Best Buy.

Thirst (2008)

I have no idea why it took so long for this movie to come out on DVD.  I liked this flick.  I've been seeing a lot of movies lately with strong female leads and I appreciate this trend immensely. 

Thirst (not to be confused with the vampire movie of the same name) is more a thriller/drama than a straight horror movie.  Noelle (Lacey Chabert), her husband Bryan, and couple Tyson and Atheria are on vacation.  Noelle is a med student and is having trouble relaxing on the vacay.  She's also not feeling too hot, and her husband is getting quite frustrated.

Atheria is a model and Tyson is a photographer.  Tyson, who isn't really the brightest crayon in the box, thinks it would be a great idea to go to a spot out in the desert for a bikini photo shoot of Atheria.  Noelle is not really on board, but tags along to appease her husband. 

80 miles from the nearest civilization, the group hangs out and does the photoshoot.  But when quiz-kid Tyson decides to drive around some rocks for a better shot, disaster strikes.  He rolls their truck down a ravine, wrecking it.  The four become stranded in the desert with no food and little water.  As the desert heats up and their supplies dwindle, they are forced to make difficult decisions and begin to turn on each other.

This movie was definitely low-budget and could have used some improvements, but I liked it.  It was a dramatic story, the acting was decent, and the ending was pretty good too.  They should have left the wolf out of it though because that was just stupid.

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Broken (2006)

I've been on a bit of an Adam Mason kick lately.  This started off with the hype around Pig (which I ended up missing because I'm a forgetful idiot sometimes) and then I decided to delve into some of his other movies.  Frankly, I HATED The Devil's Chair and thought it was a ridiculous excuse for a movie.  But the plot of Broken looked promising and I decided to give it a shot.

There are a lot of dissenting opinions on this low-budget indie flick.  I'll put my two cents in and say I thought it was incredible.  It's hard to say I "loved" it, because who (even among the most demented of us) literally loves watching women being tortured and humiliated for 1.5 hours?  Broken was intense, frightening, and harrowing and left me squirming in my seat.

Broken is the story of a woman, Hope (played by Mason's wife, Nadja), who goes on a successful date and returns home to kiss her daughter goodnight.  The next thing she knows, she's trapped in a coffin in the woods, screaming to be let out.  A day passes before she's given that chance, and she's able to "escape" only to be smacked over the head again and tied to a tree.  She's instructed to remove an razor stitched into her stomach in order to release herself from the tree.  However, in a cruel ploy, this does not ensure her freedom, but only her intention to continue with this "game."

The Man brings Hope back to a campground and chains her up while tending to her wounds.  While he instructs her to wash pans and tend to a garden, it seems that he intends for her to live with him as a sort of slave.  She repeatedly inquires as to the safety and whereabouts of her daughter but the man will provide no answers.  Soon, she falls into the routine of living day-to-day with the man, and even gains the upper-hand in a few small situations.  I also was impressed with the way she used her sexuality a la I Spit on your Grave in order to create an opening for escape. 

Unfortunately, Hope's several attempts for escape are thwarted and she gains a broken leg in the process.  Soon, another captive joins them, which causes further complications.  The ending was very shocking and can be "read" in many different ways.  I liked one commentator's interpretation of blindness/muteness which would cause an impossibility of communication between the two remaining characters.  I would say more, but it would give away the twist ending.

Now for the negative.  Yes, there were some holes/inaccuracies in this movie.  Would a razor sewn into your stomach probably slice your intestines, leaving you dead?  Sure.  Did Hope seriously blow some escape attempts when she could have gotten far, far away?  Yes, but we don't know what we would have done in that situation.  I've read many comments saying that Hope's behavior was a result of Stockholm Syndrome, but I do not see that as the case.  I think she adapted to operate in a way that kept her from getting hurt, but opened her up to trust from The Man and possible opportunities for escape and/or being reunited with her daughter.

If you like French horror, extreme horror, etc. definitely check this one out.  Not for the faint of heart though.

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The Human Centipede: First Sequence (2009)

Video on Demand is a glorious thing.  For the low price of $5.99, I can watch nonsense like this without showing myself in public as someone who is interested in watching three people be sewn together by a crazy surgeon.

I'm going to say it.  I liked this movie.  If that makes me a deranged individual, then so be it.  IMDB reviewers made me think that I would be vomiting all throughout this movie.  Although this is obviously a sick concept, the movie itself is not as graphic as you would expect.  If you can stomach something like Martyrs or Audition, this one will be no problem for you.

Okay, so to the story.  Lindsay and Jenny are two American girls vacationing in Europe.  While in Germany, they decide to hit a nightclub when disaster strikes.  They take a wrong turn and get a flat tire in the middle of nowhere.  It's pouring rain and they happen upon the house of Dr. Heiter.  Seriously, they could not have found a creepier guy to play the doctor.  This dude gave me the shivers.  The ladies think that the doctor is calling the rental car company and then poof! they wake up in a basement hospital hooked up to IVs and such. 

The original third part to the centipede is in there with them, but Dr. Heiter decides that he is not a good match.  Instead, he replaces him with Japanese tourist Katsuro.  He explains to his captives that they are about to undergo surgery to be connected mouth to anus to become a human centipede.  Obviously this is terrifying and awful and they would all rather be dead.  But death is not an option because these peeps are going ass to mouth, quite literally. (you know I had to put that in here somewhere)

So the centipede is created and Dr. Heiter is parading them around and making them fetch newspapers and stuff.  He's having a bit of difficulty discerning the human centipede from this three-dog creature he created previously.  Obviously we know the mechanics of eating and such with this setup is really gross.  But honestly, they don't show that much of it.  (No 2 girls, 1 cup in this flick)  When the doctor is jumping around saying "Feeeeeeed herrrrrrr" I was seriously skeeved out though.  There's a lot of action and suspense towards the end of the movie

This movie was original, exciting, and fast-paced.  It was definitely not the total gross-out torture porn that I expected.  Tom Six succeeded in making it thought-provoking as well.  It has stuck with me after viewing and I would watch it again.  I'm looking forward to "Full Sequence" which apparently was his original plan for the movie and involves 12 (!) people for the centipede.

This is currently in theaters in NYC, but it's available on Movies on Demand (the IFC in theaters section)




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The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974)

Some horror fans think this movie is boring and lame.  I disagree.  I love this movie.  It spawned so many other ripoffs/homages/however you want to put it, including one of my personal favorites, The House of 1000 Corpses.  The Texas Chainsaw Massacre is a true classic.  Filmed in a month in the blazing Texas summer heat, the movie used little-known actors and a teeny tiny budget.  In fact, Gunnar Hansen, the actor who played Leatherface had to wear the same shirt for every day of filming.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre is a story of a group of 20-somethings headed into rural Texas.  There's young and pretty Sally, wheelchair-bound Franklin, Sally's boyfriend Jerry, and couple Kirk and Pam.  The purpose of their trip is to see if Sally and Franklin's dead grandfather was the victim of some recent grave-robbings.  When they find out that his corpse is safe and sound, they decide to head over the grandpa's old property to check it out.  On the way, they pick up a super-creepy hitchhiker and have to stop for gas at a creepy roadside stand, only to find out that their is no gas.  Once they arrive at the house, they play around a bit and eventually get separated.

Unfortunately, Franklin's limitations are kind of holding up the whole getting-away-in-a-hurry part, and Sally becomes frustrated as she tries to find her friends.  The local weirdos, including Leatherface himself, use the opportunity of them all being separated to catch their prey.  This whole movie illicits such a creepy and eerie vibe that no amount of special effects can create.  The dinner scene is especially spooky.

The only thing that sort of bugs me about this movie is the Franklin character.  I'm fine with the fact that he's in a wheelchair (although that does nothing but slow the group down) but he's just all whiny and annoying and doesn't serve much of a purpose in terms of a character.  Awesome movie, definite horror classic.



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Dead Air (2009)

I liked this movie.  But then again, I'm partial to both end of the world movies and Bill Moseley.  So this was really a score for me.

Bill Moseley plays shock-jock Logan Burnhardt, who hosts a contraversial late-night show on the radio.  One night, he comes into work and things have really gone crazy.  He brings up the subject of paranoia, and takes some hysterical calls before shit really hits the fan.  Logan and his co-workers soon realize that a deadly virus has been released into the air by terrorists.  This virus causes people to go crazy and kill/eat each other, much like the "rage" in 28 Days/28 Weeks Later. 

He reaches out to callers to dial into the show and let him know what is going on so that others can be informed.  Meanwhile, no one has any idea that the terrorists are lurking nearby.  There are battles on both sides as the crew struggles with both terrorists and infected.

There was not a whole lot of gory zombie scenes in this movie, as it was more about the drama.  Although this flick was no Dawn of the Dead, I thought it was engaging and thrilling.  Worth checking out.

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