Wednesday, October 17, 2012

American Horror Story: Asylum -- Episode 1

**If you've never read my TV reviews/recaps, they are chock-full of spoilers, so BEWARE!**

OMG AMERICAN HORROR STORY IS BACK!!  I have been waiting for this moment since the depressing day that season one ended and it's finally time!!  So if you haven't already seen the billion commercials and their bananas web presence, this season will be different.  Apparently the show's creators always intended this to be a sort-of miniseries of shows, with a different story each season.  So, most of the actors and actresses are gone, but of course they couldn't get rid of bad-ass Jessica Lange.  Evan Peters (Tate from Season 1) is back too.  And we have tons of new stars -- Sarah Paulson! Chloe Sevigny! Adam Levine! Lily Rabe!  Joseph Fiennes!  Clea DuVall!  Mark Consuelos! James Cromwell!  And I'm sure there will be some fun cameos as well.  But let's get to the premiere!

Adam Levine saying "oh you're so sexy" like 12 times in a row really doesn't do it for me.  So some newlyweds on their demented honeymoon are visiting the most haunted locations in the U.S. and having sex in them.  Ohhhhkkkayyy.  Could this actually be the most unsexy sex scene in American Horror Story history?  Boner-killer. Scream King hopes that's all we'll see of Adam Levine.  Unfortunately I think he's mistaken. 

The starting music is still awesome, but they can't top that intro of season 1.  Annndd we're in 1964.  30 cents a gallon for gas?  LoL.  Tate is now "Kit" and he's not as sexy as he was all emo and psychotic.  He's in an interracial marriage and has to hide it from everyone.  That's sad.  Then he appears to get attacked by some sort of UFO. 

"Mental illness is the fashionable explanation for sin."  Is that how this season is going to go?!  I love Jessica Lange. Shelly (Chloe Sevigny) is a nympho.  Awesome.  What?!  Now Kit/Tate is "Bloody Face"?  Lana Winters (Sarah Paulson) is a reporter just trying to get a break on a story, but Sister Jude (Lange) is not having it.  Kit is obviously having a hard time adjusting to a asylum, with all the crazies and all, and Sister Jude is not going to let him just bide his time.  (Side note: is this season a Nip/Tuck reunion?!)

Dr. Arden (James Cromwell) seems a little sketchy, but he isn't easily bullied by Sister Jude.  Wendy (Clea DuVall) is Lana's lesbian lover.  Love it!  For all her piousness, it appears that Sister Jude cooks coq a vin for her cutesy priest in her lingerie.  LoL.  Sister Mary Eunice (Lily Rabe) seems to be stuck with the shit jobs.  Not only is she constantly berated by Sister Jude, but she appears to be feeding some sort of animals/monsters outside the asylum.  Dr. Arden says it's okay though.

Oh!  We're back to Adam Levine and his mid-blowjob decapitated arm.  His idiot wife is running around the abandoned asylum for help, transition.  Dr. Arden has poor Kit all tied up and in an operating room.  Lana is traipsing around looking for her story, all while digging herself a deeper hole.  Meanwhile, Kit seems to be gearing up for some sort of brain operation.

Wow, Sister Jude is a vindictive bitch.  She even talks this poor reporter's girlfriend into committing her?!  I pause to ensure that Scream King will never do this to me.  And Bloody Face appears! 

Next week on American Horror Story? Creatures, exorcisms, shock treatments, a storm's a comin', and possible escape!  Yipppeee.