Thursday, June 19, 2008

The Happening (2008)

Oh, Marky-Mark, I love you. You were so bad-ass in Fear, so hot in Boogie Nights, and you rocked in The Departed. I could have even given you a pass on that piece of crap, We Own the Night.

Zooey Deschanel, I love you as well. Almost Famous is my favorite non-horror movie and you were so good in it. You were so cute in Elf, even though that's not really your genre. When I saw you in the previews for this movie, I was all, you go, Anita!

This movie was awful. Seriously. People have given M. Night Shamala-whatever too many chances. Yes, the Sixth Sense was awesome. Unbreakable was so damn good. But then you let yourself go, sir. The parody of The Village in Scary Movie 4 was far superior to the actual production. However, when I saw a trailer with some cool actors running around and people throwing themselves off of buildings, I was strangely entranced. I'm a sucker for end-of-the-world movies, evidenced by the fact that I have seen The Stand a dozen times, even though it's over six hours long.

I held on through the beginning of the movie, when this "virus" began in Central Park (honestly, if I have to see one more tragedy strike my neighborhood on the big screen, I'm going to lose it) I remained optimistic as the truly horrible acting of this movie dragged on and on. I laughed hysterically with the rest of the theater through all of the so-called "scary"parts. I really tried to feel for these poor bastards who kept making one terrible decision after another.

After an hour and a half of senseless dialogue, people committing suicide over and over, and trees "communicating" with everyone, I was ready for the twist. Come on, M. Knight, this is your speciality! Where's Mr. Glass? Who's really a ghost? Will Marky-Mark die and resurrect as some sort of super-plant?

There was no twist. No surprises. The ending and the explanation were truly, truly awful. The whole movie was a total joke, and a packed theater in Union Square on a Friday night were left shaking their heads.

Grade: F (Leprechaun in Space -- there are just. no. words.)