Monday, May 2, 2011

Alive or Dead (2008)

The cover and description for this movie sort of drew me in.  I ignored the downright horrendous reviews on IMDB and Netflix and decided to watch it anyway.

Now I've seen a lot of stupid beginnings in horror movies, but this one is really up there.  What could be a better way to get yourself killed right off the bat than having phone sex, complete with vibrator, while driving a Geo Tracker through the woods?  Apparently the power of Maria's (Ann Henson) rock hard and abs and ridiculous belly ring allow her to live, and she happens upon an abandoned school bus with the words "help me" scrawled on the windows.  She hangs up on her lame phone sex buddy, and decides to investigate, getting two flat tires in the process.

When investigating the bus, she finds a blindfolded (masked?) girl (Sarah, played by Angelica May) who is absolutely no help at all except to babble incoherently and answer none of Maria's reasonable questions.  The girls are then transported back to some sort of castle in the desert.  And that's where this movie pretty much loses me.  The girls traipse around the castle, running into hillbillies and cannibals at random, while never really attempting to leave.  They try to start the bus and say things like, "I think you're flooding the engine.  I mean, that's what my dad would say."  Some kid with his face covered in blisters runs around offering a ring like it's his precious.  Oh, and there's also monks.  As if this movie could make less sense.

The "twist" was silly and the cliched ending just made me chuckle.  I'm not really sure what this movie was even supposed to be about, as it presented many questions as to what the fuck was happening, but no actual answers.  The repetitive dialogue and nonstop shrieking was horrendous, but I'm sure dudes might not mind checking out Ann Henson's hot body for an hour or so.  Also, in this movie, people can get stabbed, beaten and mutilated more than Jason Voorhees and just keep popping up all over the place.  Skip this.

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