Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Creature (2011)

Did you know this movie was in theaters?  I bet the producers wish they didn't.  It set a record...for the lowest grossing first weekend of a movie ever.  Not horror movies, not independent movies, ALL MOVIES.  So suffice it to say I wasn't expecting too much out of this.  But Sid, that badass ropes me in every time. 

The budget for this movie was $3 million, and you could say that shows.  The production quality is good, the effects are decent, and they definitely threw some money at the casting.  Aside from the iconic Sid Haig (as Chopper), we've got Mehcad Brooks (Eggs from True Blood), Serinda Swan (Erica from Breakout Kings), Dillon Casey (The Vampire Diaries and Nikita), and Pruitt Taylor Vince (you know, the fat guy from Identity!).  And then a smattering of little-known ladies willing to get naked and dudes that play hillbillies well. 

The film opens up right away with full frontal nudity.  Much T&A will follow in the next 90 minutes.  So a bunch of friends, including guys who are ex-Marines (or current? it's hard to tell) are on a road trip traipsing through rural Louisiana.  They stop at a random gas station owned by Chopper (Sid Haig) and a scene reminiscent of House of 1000 Corpses ensues.  I mean, like right down to the map-drawing.  Coincidence?  Anyway, Chopper directs the bunch to a house inhabited by a man-alligator hybrid.  Checking it out sounds like a great idea to these morons, which seems especially concerning since the car's driver seems to randomly know the entire backstory to this legend, even though the guy in the store didn't actually tell it.  Weird.  Vince (Grover) doesn't have a big part, and really only makes a Crazy Ralph-esque appearance.

So they get to the spot and decide to set up camp there.  They open the door to the cabin, get spooked by some birds, and decide to wait until morning to check it out.  Um, what?  These guys are the absolutely wussiest Marines on the planet.  Well, except for Eggs, who is badass and has an awesome body.  Everyone gets drunk (duh) and the Niles (Brooks) and Emily (Swan) head off for some alone time.  Oscar and Karen (brother and sister) argue over a drunk girl (Beth) and the Karen wins.  We get a drunken lesbian hookup.  Then a brother/sister hookup.  Then a hot mixed race hookup.  Scream King is disappointed to see that Serinda Swan is the only one that doesn't show boobs.

Meanwhile, the alligator man is lurking around, looking a lot like The Creature From the Black Lagoon.  All the townspeople are tied in somehow, with Chopper being the leader.  They have to fulfill some sort of sacrifice to please the Creature.  They're keeping it all in the family.  The largest, incestuous, backwoods-crazy family.  A battle ensues.  Heads roll, literally.  A sinkhole comes into play.  I thought that only existed in The Neverending Story.  Also, in a sinkhole do you go in and die?  Drown?  Go to some cavelike space that you could later climb out of?  These questions are never answered.

This movie wasn't as horrible as I expected it to be.  It was enjoyable at times, and laughable at others.  I think the thing about it was that it desperately wanted to be Hatchet, but it lacked the camp and style that Adam Green brings to those movies.  They should never have tried a theater run with this and it actually could have gotten a better reception with different marketing and a straight-to-DVD release.  This would definitely be a fun watch on a Friday night with some cheap booze and friends ready for a laugh.  But don't expect the second coming of Victor Crowley.