Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Prom Night (2008)

Although teen horror movie remakes typically make me reach for the nearest instrument to gouge my eyes out with, I looooovvveee me some Brittany Snow. As I fire up this DVD, I have secret hopes that she plays a crazed Neo-Nazi who wears too much eye makeup and would force her boyfriend to cut off another man's junk. I doubt this is the case, but here we go anyway.

The 2008 version of Prom Night is rated PG-13, much like many of these recent teen horror movies. Apparently kids these days don't buy tickets to appropriately rated movies and then sneak into the gross stuff like I did when I was in high school. Anyway, this is most definitely NOT a remake of the Jamie Lee Curtis movie of the same name; they are only alike in the fact that there are teenagers getting stalked and butchered on the evening of the prom.

Donna (Brittany Snow) is obviously the star of this little saga. Poor Donna's entire family gets murdered in front of her, and three years later, she's still having nightmares (understandable). The psycho responsible for this mass murder is locked up for life in some institution thousands of miles away. Luckily for Donna, she has a great therapist and lots of pills to take care of her little problem, so off to meet with her girls to get ready for prom.

These high school vixens are gathered in the hair salon getting all dolled up and planning the copious sex that they're planning on having tonight. It's sort of like watching American Pie in reverse. Donna is still seeing this creepy murderer emerging from busses and hiding behind trees. She returns home to get dressed, and we find that there's ANOTHER Nip/Tuck alum in this flick! (Jessalyn Gilsig aka crazy Gina) Seriously, did they all have time off from banging Dr. Troy to film this movie?

So Donna and her girlfriends all have yummy All-American stud muffins to accompany them to prom. There's a red carpet and a keg hidden in the hotel room, and although I don't recall a red carpet at my prom, the keg is definitely accurate. And most predictably, the psycho has escaped the confines of the faraway mental institution, and three days have passed before local police were notified. It turns out that he was Donna's high school teacher, who was obssessed with her, and thought he could be with her forever by removing all "obstacles" in her life. Whackjob.

Now he's at the prom locale looking all Sling Blade and trying to get a room. Seriously, how does this nut get a room in the hotel on prom night?! Meanwhile, in true horror fashion, each of these teenagers keeps going back to the room when they should stay in the prom, and keep looking for one another, and generally just missing the dance altogether. Dumbass Miley Cyrus generation. If they had watched 80s horror movies, they would have learned all of this killer's obvious tricks such as hiding in the hotel room waiting for victims (!) and making you think that they are someone else.

At first I thought I liked this movie, because I always knew what was going on and everything seemed to make sense and progress in sequential order. But I then I realized it wasn't "enjoyment" as much as recounting every horror movie I've ever seen. And the reason it was so easy to follow was that it was so damn predictable. Come up with new ideas, Hollywood! Chop these sex-crazed teenagers up like it's 1980 and we're at Camp Crystal Lake!

Grade: D (Updated Hills Have Eyes -- watered down version of a sweet 80s slasher)